


A doctor's story: The hollow of his heart

by Mayaismaya



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 08:45:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13096542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayaismaya/pseuds/Mayaismaya
Summary: Almost immediately after Kim Sunggyu graduated medical school, he begun his internship at a hospital in a big city of South Korea. There, Kim Sunggyu met a boy who he never thought would left such a big impression in his life - Sunwoo. But maybe life is not being so fair. Sunwoo who happened to be his first ever patient also happened to be the first patient of his to die. And to Kim Sunggyu, Sunwoo is not a mere patient of his. He is more than that and the pain of losing him is definitely greater than the pain of losing his first love.And it takes more than a comforting Howon to help him go through his first ever heartbreak.Yes, Kim Sunggyu direly needs his husband, even if he doesn't realize it himself.And it was until the next morning when Sunggyu found himself ghastly running towards Sunwoo’s ward, only to find out that he was too late and Sunwoo was already gone.Forever.





	1. Soulless Eyes

Sunggyu’s tongue stoned to silence as soon as his feet step inside the quiet room, his steps heavily slowing down into a halt when the scene excruciatingly falls into place. The sight of a boy lying on the isolated bed, his body unmoving and his pale face embellished with a small content smile, as though he knew— as though he perfectly knew that it was his time, Kim Sunggyu just can’t help but feel his chest squeezes terribly.

The throbbing squeeze only doubles when his eyes trail off towards another boy who has been crouching by the bed, desperately holding onto the lithe and lifeless hand of Sunwoo tightly, his tears pouring out and spilling down their interlocked hands as he violently shakes his head in pure denial.

The supposedly bright morning unexpectedly turns damp and glum, the room suddenly seems a bit too smaller than usual and even the air feels much too stuffier than always. He can feel the strange churning beneath his chest down to the pit of his stomach as he ingests everything in. When it finally does though, it makes him feels almost too constricting, too suffocating that it takes him a little too much energy to even let the air flow through.

It suffocates him terribly. It just really does, in an agonizing kind of way, and he should’ve fallen apart right then and there, yet there he is, blankly staring down onto the small lifeless figure lying on the bed, without even a hint of moistening eyes, what more of a drop of tear down his face as he hesitantly strides towards the bed.

His eyes then trace down towards the bawling Myungsoo, not knowing what he should do or say in this situation. Everything is so unexpected. He never really sees this coming despite being the attending doctor. Or maybe, he just refuses to see it coming, he doesn't really know. What he knows is that, everything is so surreal that it drowns him in a vast and endless sea of feelings and thoughts. _So many thoughts_ , that it leaves him without so much of a simple sound to give the younger boy the comfort he so much deserves and needs.

Unsurprisingly, the usual sprightly aura around Sunggyu seems to diminish as he lets his eyes— his soulless eyes, linger on Myungsoo for a few more moments before he forces himself to finally set them down on that serene look gracing Sunwoo’s face— only to ratify that he is indeed lifeless now.

Sunggyu tries to control his ragged breathing. He knows then that he is close to crying, very close to breaking down even, but a small desperate whimper from Myungsoo just pulls him out of his reverie, out of his furious need to shed those tears.

“Sunggyu hyung…” Myungsoo’s devastated cry traverses the air into his ear. He jolts his head almost reflexively towards the source of the voice and there is just this small voice in his head that tells himself to hold back, to be strong, and to remain sane the moment he witnesses the heartbreaking sight of Myungsoo’s tearful face.

And so he does.

Kim Sunggyu tries his best to keep himself composed, chanting in his mind that he shouldn’t cry. That it isn’t his place to do so. He chokes back all the feelings that threaten to escape down his throat as he straightens his thoughts up. He can’t cry. He shouldn’t. After all, his line of occupation requires him not to, for various reasons that he couldn’t even remember properly now that this is happening.

“Sunggyu-hyung…” Myungsoo’s forlorn voice rings again in his ear when he feels a light touch on his back, snapping him back to his conscience. He just swallows thickly as he finds his heart tightens into that unfamiliar twist of pain as he witnesses the despair look on Myungsoo’s tearful face.

Seeing how broken Myungsoo is, how hurting it is for the younger to face the death of someone so important, the only important person in his life at such an early age of 15, Sunggyu can only close the gaps between their bodies before draping his own weak arms around the younger’s frail one into a warm needed embrace.

 

_Be strong._

 

Softly, he hushes the boy down as he rubs soothing circles on his back, consoling with his honey-coated voice.

“Shhh, don’t cry now, Myung.” He kisses the crown of Myungsoo’s head gently, hands still rubbing circles down his spine. “Not now, not here. At least don’t cry in front of Sunwoo.” He continues, his voice still calm and unemotional as ever. It baffles him how he finds himself still void of tears, still calm and still sane until this point. It feels as though he had broken the gate to his tear dam.

The tears are there but they wouldn’t spill. Restraint. Held back. Gone.

He knows it’s strange not to cry then. It is definitely his beloved Sunwoo who lay on that bed, lifeless and still would be even if he denied or begged. But those chants in his head just totally work like magic.

_Don’t cry._

_Don’t feel._

_Don’t break._

Those words just did the wonder, miraculously magical to his mind and heart that it makes him feel as if— as if he is an empty vessel incapable of feeling, void of what he once thought he had too much. Void of feelings.

“Stop crying, Myungsoo. Stop crying.” Sunggyu coaxes again, softly hushing the boy as he presses another kiss on the top of Myungsoo’s head.

“But hyung, Sunwoo… He’s—He’s gone, hyung. He’s gone. I—He can’t leave me too, hyung. He can’t. I don’t have anyone else. Please hyung. Save him. Save Sunwoo. He’s all I have… He’s the only reason I’m alive. Hyung, you can’t let him leave me like this. I need him. Sunggyu-hyung, please. Bring him back.” He hears the younger boy pleads as he clutches onto Sunggyu’s white long coat strongly, almost like he is begging the other to do as he says. To bring Sunwoo back to life.

 

_Be stronger._

 

Sunggyu just tenses his arms that are wrapping around Myungsoo’s frail body, swallowing the inexistent lump in his throat as he braces himself for what he’s about to say to the broken boy.

“I’m sorry, Myungsoo. Sunwoo’s gone and there’s nothing we— no, there’s nothing _I_ can do to save him.” He breathes out those bitter words with a clenching heart, his face oddly looks detached as he caresses Myungsoo’s hair. Almost immediately after Sunggyu speaks those unwanted and cruel-sounding words, Myungsoo snaps.

“Liar! Hyung, you’re a liar! A big fat liar!” He screeches out loud as he harshly shrugs Sunggyu off of him and buries his head into Sunwoo’s unmoving chest, loudly wailing the name of his only little brother, even if there is no blood tying them together.

 

_Be stronger than this._

 

“I’m sorry, Myungsoo. I really am.” He apologizes. He doesn’t really know why he is, but he just does. Because in the deepest corner of his mind, he couldn’t help but blame himself that maybe, _maybe_ this is his entire fault after all.

 

_My fault._

 

“Leave! Get out! I never want to see your face ever again! Get out!” Myungsoo screams, jerking his hand to shoo him away. Sunggyu doesn’t know what to feel out of being chased by his now like a family Myungsoo, but he knows that he shouldn’t make a big deal out of it. He’ll ponder about that later because for now, there’s something even more important than that— _Sunwoo_.

“But, it’s Sunwoo, at least let me—“

“I said leave!!!” Myungsoo’s voice cracks a little as he screams as loud as he could. His throat sore from all the shouting and wailing. His face has already been soaked wet from all the tears he spilled.

 

Howon, another doctor who’s been attending to Sunwoo and also a friend of Sunggyu sighs when he witnesses the ruckus. He’s been there since the beginning and he knows how excruciating this is to them, how this is extremely hurting all of them, especially Myungsoo and Sunggyu. But he knows best what he should be doing right now. Tugging Sunggyu’s elbow slightly, he nudges,

“Sunggyu, let’s leave them for awhile.” Sunggyu turns his head to his best friend, face still void of any expression. His lips are quivering but he manages to hide them well when he voices out his thought.

“But, Sunwoo, I need to—“ Myungsoo suddenly throws whatever he could reach towards them, blaring an earsplitting “ _get out!”_ countless of times.

“Sunggyu, please. I know how much Sunwoo means to you, but remember, right now, you’re just his doctor. Not his hyung.” Howon is desperate to lessen the huge ruckus, unknowingly carving another wound on Sunggyu’s heart with his thoughtless words.

_Not his hyung._

Those words ring like a broken record, wounding his numb heart like a knife too sharp, even its slightest cut makes his heart bleed like an opened vessel.

 

 

 _Just be stronger._ The small voice rings in his head again.

 

 

 

 

 

_But how?_

 

 

 

Weakly nodding his head, Kim Sunggyu finally lets himself dragged out of the ward with heavy steps. The firm and tight grip around his wrist almost feels nothing, just like how he feels naught in his heart. It somehow makes Kim Sunggyu ponder that maybe, just a big possibility of maybe, he’s really incapable of having any emotion then.

“Gyu.” He hears Howon calls out his name softly after some time. He doesn’t even realize that they has stopped somewhere far from the ward in which laid the body of his cute little boy.

Sunggyu tilts his head towards him, smiling and humming in return. Lee Howon has known Sunggyu long enough he could have passed to be his family if someone had asked. He knows Kim Sunggyu too much that it seems impossible that he is just a mere childhood friend of his, but right now, Howon almost feels like he doesn’t know him anymore. As though the Kim Sunggyu right now is someone completely different, someone he has to learn more in order to decipher that look and that smile on his face. And it’s strange.

It used to take him only few seconds to read Kim Sunggyu because the Kim Sunggyu he knows has always expressed his feeling be it intentionally or subconsciously. When he’s angry, his facial expression tenses up. When he’s delighted, he tries to suppress his smile. When he’s sad, he may not realize but he always does this lip biting unconsciously and knit his eyebrows together, as though he was holding back his tears.

He used to read Sunggyu like an open book, but honestly this time, Lee Howon doesn’t know this Kim Sunggyu, smiling like nothing has happened, like no one has died just a few moments ago. Especially not when that certain someone is his precious little Sunwoo. This sudden change in Sunggyu made Howon deeply creased his forehead, scowling.

“Kim Sunggyu, what are you doing?” Howon has to ask with a frown this time. Sunggyu blinks his eyes several times before he drops his smile into a pout.

“What do you mean? I’m doing nothing, obviously. I’ve always done nothing.” Howon would’ve noticed that bitterness underlying Sunggyu’s words, if only he isn’t feeling that infuriated at the lack of expression in Kim Sunggyu’s eyes.

“What do you mean by _what do you mean_?! You’re not supposed to smile right now! Sunwoo just died!” Howon snaps, he rarely does but he knows he have to this time. Kim Sunggyu is being strange and he doesn’t like this change even one bit.

Sunggyu on the other hand wants to say something, he wants to tell Howon that he doesn’t know how to feel or what to feel, he wants to break down, he know he does, but in the end, the only thing he can do to save himself from drowning is to just bite his tongue and keeps everything to himself.

 

_I have to be stronger than this._

 

So instead, he just smiles once again and just bobs his head into a small nod.

“I know. I’ll go fill in all the necessary form. Go take a look at Myungsoo. Calm him down for me.”

And with a calm self and a smile on his face, Sunggyu turns around on his foot and leaves Howon to himself as he lets him ponder.

 

Strangely, although Howon fails to understand this new Kim Sunggyu, he can still barely feel it. That feeling that tells him that this is just the beginning— that it’s probably just the calm before a storm.

 

 

 

 

And Howon couldn’t even be more right than this.

 


	2. Forever gone

With a little help from Howon, Sunggyu finally arrives home as he steps into his strangely overly crowded house, the other male carefully supporting him from the side. His soulless eyes travel around him only to see that there are a lot of familiar people in the living room, their eyes curiously staring at the both of them. Their small chattering and laughter somehow fade into a pregnant silence as they witness the attention-raking view.

Howon looks a little too disheveled for a guy as handsome as he is what with his messy hair and grim look, and Sunggyu looks almost much too blank and detached for a guy who is always all smiles and grins.

Someone from a small group of people in the living room is about to say something, just something break the silence when a motherly female voice suddenly interrupts his intention.

 

“You’re back, Gyu!” They all hear that gleeful and melodious voice erupts before a loud surprised gasp quickly follows the excited shout soon after.

“Oh my god, Gyu, what happened?!” Sunggyu’s mother is already by his side, her warm palms cupping Sunggyu’s cheeks as she examines her son worriedly. But when he just remains silent, his eyes still unfeeling as ever, she turns to her child’s bestfriend for some explanation, “Howon, what’s going on? What happened?” She asks, frantic.

Howon just weakly smiles as he heaves out a breathy sigh, his eyes glancing concernedly at the impassive male besides him.

“I’m just dropping him here. Well, Sunggyu, he… He’s gone through a lot at the hospital today… So… I—I’m just, I just don’t know what to do. Our chief doctor had to force him home, that’s why I’m here. I don’t think he’s in any condition to drive by himself.” Howon explains. He doesn’t really know what he should be saying in this condition. He doesn’t want to remind Sunggyu of what had happened this morning, but he still needs to explain what brings them there at such an early hour instead of their usual end of work hour. Thus, he opts to keep his explanation simple until Sunggyu himself finally decides to talk about it.

His mother than shifts her sight back to her only son, her forehead creases into lines of worry as she softly caresses Sunggyu’s cheeks. She wants to comfort her son, she really wants to, but she has no words to say to him since she has no idea what is going on with her son. Howon’s vague explanation is not being any help for the both of them at all.

She truly wants to inquire more about the event that had made her son to behave this strange way, but the look in Sunggyu’s eyes as she stares into them makes her throat stuck with unspoken words. Those eyes are lifeless, soulless. That is, until a strangely very familiar voice calls out Sunggyu’s name, a cheeky sound of teasing lacing the spoken words.

“Gyu? Is that you? Wah, it’s really my Gyu! Wait, are you okay? Why do you look like shit?” The voice speaks which is quickly followed by a naughty giggle; the talking male is obviously oblivious of what is going on with Sunggyu. And almost like a lightning bolt, Sunggyu jolts his head up; only to see the person he hasn’t been seeing for almost a month long, someone he has been missing too much, someone he desperately wants to see, standing in front of him. And just like a miracle, something returns into his eyes. Something akin to his lost soul. His heart. His feeling.

“W-Woohyun.” Sunggyu stutters out as his lips quiver. His eyes glistens in a thin film of unshed tears as he bites his lips and knits his eyebrows together. And Howon can see it.

Kim Sunggyu has returned.

Indeed, it only takes a Nam Woohyun to appear in front of Kim Sunggyu for the elder male to crack his shell and finally let everything out. It only takes a single Nam Woohyun to have Kim Sunggyu let all of his locked feelings flow out, to succumb himself into a mournful sorrow as he finally grieves for his loss.

Just a Nam Woohyun.

“Woo—Woohyun.” Sunggyu desperately whimpers as he finally lets a drop of tear trickles down his plump cheek, followed by another drop.

Then another.

And another.

And just another.

The tears are endless.

And by the time a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around Sunggyu’s fragile body, the elder is already a sobbing mess. His shoulder jerking up and down, tears heavily streaming down his face as he urgently buries his face into Nam Woohyun’s broad and sturdy chest. Sunggyu’s hands straightaway snake up to his husband’s back as he fists the other’s shirt in desperation.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Tell me.” Woohyun’s voice changes from teasing to gentle and lovely in a split second as soon as he embraces the shaking elder.

But Kim Sunggyu only shakes his head for his response. An inexistent lump is clogging his throat, his mind is hazy from the sudden rush of countless of thoughts, and the pain of losing Sunwoo is too agonizing that he had to clutch on the part of his chest where his heart is situated just to ease the pain. Everything is just suddenly too unbearable for the male doctor.

Feeling the elder trembles harshly in his embrace, Nam Woohyun can only keeps on lingering soft kisses on Sunggyu’s face and brown locks as he tries to soothe the crying elder down.

He tried, but it never does. In fact, it only worsens and Woohyun really doesn’t know what else he can do to console him.

 

 

_“Sunwoo!! Are you okay? You’re not hurt, are you? Where have you been? What are you doing here? How come you’re here and not in your bed? What ha—“_

_“Hyung, slow down. I can’t answer so many questions at once.” Sunggyu’s shooting questions were halted as Sunwoo quickly butted in. His vexed expression clearly portrayed his annoyance._

_“But you’re supposed to be in—“ Sunggyu was worried, but Sunwoo wasn’t going to listen to his pestering for an hour just because he stepped out of his ward for a few minutes so the younger quickly dismissed his out of place worry._

_“Bed, I know.” The younger interrupted. “Sheesh, you’re so naggy, hyung. Can’t I at least take a short walk for some fresh air once a week?”_

_“Well, you could’ve asked me or the nurse to accompany you!” The doctor began his nagging as he monitored the patient back to his ward. Sunwoo just rolled his eyes._

_“I’m not that sick to ask for anyone’s help just for a short walk, hyung. Besides, you’re busy with your other patients. It’s not like you can spend a lot of time with just me.” Sunwoo complaint, his slightly protruding lips somehow disseminating a small hint of jealousy._

_“But still…” Sunggyu wanted to protest before a glint of mischief suddenly sparked behind his little eyes. “Wait a second— wow! Do I smell some jellyfish right now?” Sunggyu naughtily narrowed his small eyes at the younger boy, lips curling into a cheeky grin as he wriggled his eyebrows at the other. With a faint glowing shade of pink crossing his cheeks, Sunwoo quickly stuck his tongue out very rudely (cutely) at the elder as he countered,_

_“Well, I just smell an old age and a nagging smelly mouth from a certain someone.” Sunwoo rolled his eyes annoyed at Sunggyu’s obliviousness. He didn’t have to say it out loud, did he?! But Sunggyu wasn’t deterred by Sunwoo’s small comeback. Instead, he just made use of his words to tease the boy even more._

_“Oh? I have a nagging smelly mouth? Really? Now come here you. I’ll smooch your all over with this mouth.”_

_“Yah! Hyung! Stop it! Hyung!! Aish! Hyungggggg!”_

 

 

Nam Woohyun is beginning to seriously worry now that the elder is still bawling his eyes out, if not worse. He keeps on whispering reassuring words but there has been close to no response other than the harsh jerks of shoulder and the damper shirt over his sturdy chest.

He’s about to pull Sunggyu away from his hold and pound some senses into his head so Sunggyu could at least tell him what was wrong before he can continue crying, when the latter all of the sudden splutters out the words he never wanted to hear—

“Woo—Woohyun, Sunwoo—Sunwoo is, he’s gone. Sunwoo’s gone. He—“ Sunggyu couldn’t even finish his words when he begins howling even louder than before. The spilt words were like a wild blaze, its heat burning his tongue and its smoke suffocating his lungs as he breathes out the bitter truth. And it took Nam Woohyun more than a few moments to process the unexpected information.

“He’s… Sunwoo is… gone…?” Woohyun’s voice is quiet, almost falling into a whisper as he repeats the words. The hold around Sunggyu’s weak body gradually loosens as he feels his own arms growing weaker as soon as the newfound finally sinking in.

“Wha— that’s, that’s impossible. Sun—Sunwoo can’t, he can’t—“ Woohyun just couldn’t believe it. He really doesn’t know how he should receive the sudden news and expect him to accept it. Sunwoo can’t be dead. It’s impossible, it’s just impossible— at least he thinks it is until he hears Sunggyu’s howl getting harder, harsher even as his shoulder trembles in a messy bout of hiccups, a hand clinging onto Woohyun’s numb body while another one desperately throws light punches at the younger’s chest.

“Sunwoo is gone. He’s gone. Sunwoo left me. He left—” Sunggyu’s whimper is muffled into Woohyun’s damp chest when the younger male suddenly pulls Sunggyu closer to his body, tucking him in deeper within his tight embrace. Sunggyu’s dire cries are like a trigger to Nam Woohyun as the architect realizes that it is not his time to fall apart, at least not yet. For now, it’s enough that Sunggyu is mourning for both their share. He shouldn’t cry. He needs to be stronger so Sunggyu can lean on him, so he can be the pillar Sunggyu needs in time of his broken heart.

Pushing back the threat of tears shedding out, Woohyun tightens the arm circling around Sunggyu’s body while another arm then pulls up to press Sungyu’s head deeper into the comfort of his damp chest, stroking his hair along the way. Nam Woohyun doesn’t know how to mend a broken heart, shattered from the pain of loss, and all that he can do for the other is – be stronger.

 

 

_“Sunwoo, stop reading that book for once and play with me.” Myungsoo said with a pout._

_“But this book is good.” Replied Sunwoo without bothering to cast a glance at the slightly older boy._

_“But I’m bored.” Myungsoo pouted still as he laid his head down on the soft mattress, his arms circling around his head while he sat on the stool beside the bed._

_“Not my problem.”  The sick boy lazily dismissed as he flipped on another page. Myungsoo then begrudgingly raised his head and turned towards another figure within the room with an even longer sulky pout._

_“Hyunggggg! Look at Sunwoo! He’s being rude to me!” He sulked as he pointed a rude finger towards Sunwoo. Sunggyu, without flinching his gaze even a bit, kept his eyes on the pale arm in front of him as he focused on his job._

_“I’m looking at him right now.” He responded as he opted not to bother himself entertaining these two usual bickering._

_“Hyungggg!” Myungsoo whined again when he heard Sunwoo’s annoying snort, mocking._

_“What? It’s true! I’m looking at him right now because – Sunwoo, stop flipping the pages! I’m trying to insert this cannula into your vein here!” Sunggyu finally snapped when Sunwoo kept on moving his arm. Slamming the book close, Sunwoo attempted a short glare at the doctor as he sunk his neck in like a turtle and puffed his cheeks like a squirrel._

_“Oh, come on, hyung! I don’t need this cannula or meds whatsoever. I’m perfectly healthy now!” Sunwoo droned as he put his book aside. Sunggyu just squinted his eyes bored at the youngest before he grabbed his patient’s arm and kept it still._

_“Yeah, say that after you’ve gain 10kg and grow some chubs in your cheeks.” The eldest commented brashly as he carefully and finally inserted the needle._

_“I don’t need fat in my face or I’ll look like Myungsoo.” Sunwoo cluck his tongue before he winced in pain, feeling the sharp needle slipping in._

_“Yah, it’s Myungsoo hyung for you, little brat!” Myungsoo countered as he knocked the boy’s head, albeit gently because he didn’t want to hurt the younger. Sunwoo, being the teasing boy he always was, just retorted with a loud scoff—_

_“Yeah right, then maybe I should start calling Sunggyu hyung my mom.”_

_“Gyu hyunggggggg! Sunwoo is learning bad manners from that stupid Yeol! I told you he’s a bad influence!” Myungsoo stood up and hugged Sunggyu’s waist from behind, resting his chin on the latter’s shoulder as he let a cute frown grazed his handsome feature._

_“Yah, Sunwoo, stop teasing Myungsoo for once. Or I’ll have to hear his endless whine about you not being his cute little Sunwoo anymore.” Sunggyu sighed as he begun tidying the mess on the small table beside the bed once he was done with Sunwoo._

_“Hyung, I absolutely did not whine! And I absolutely never called him cute too!”_

_“Yeah yeah. I’ll pretend I didn’t see you sobbing and hugging me while you whine about ‘_ mean Sunwoo is not my cutie baby anymore _’ every time Sunwoo teases you.”_

_“Hyunggggggg!” Sunggyu had to chuckle when he heard Myungsoo’s usual whine. He still found it funny how Myungsoo could be so gullible when it came to Sunwoo when in fact, he’s quite an intimidating boy if he removed his dimpled smile and kept his indifference look when he was with others._

_“Wow, I didn’t know Myungsoo loves me that much.” Sunwoo remarked with a fake surprised look, which only garnered him another pouty lips from the teased boy. Sunggyu laughed out loud this time. He could almost hear the sound of Myungsoo’s pout even without him looking or hearing anything._

_“Yeah. Myung is practically like a mother doting on his son too much when he’s with you.” Sunggyu added to the teasing, still giggling._

_“Nah, Myungsoo’s more like a stupid twin with grumpy mood. If it’s a doting mother, it would be Gyu hyung, wouldn’t it?” Sunwoo really should be awarded with the best teaser title ever._

_“Yah!!” It was Sunggyu’s turn to pout his lips, displeased with the hint of being a mom._

_“I’m just stating the truth. You’re naggy. You like us too much but you never say it out loud. And you’re naggy.”_

_“That’s twice the naggy!” Sunggyu loudly whined only to have Sunwoo and Myungsoo muffling their giggles into their palms until Sunwoo finally decided to stop doing so and nodded his head._

_“Yep. I should call you Sunggyu umma from now on.” He gladly added with another nod. Of course, Sunggyu found it best to widen his tiny eyes there and waved a capped needle in front of the boy, pretending angry._

_“Call me that and I’m pricking this needle into your eyes!” He tried his best to threaten. He really did, but Sunwoo was a genius, both Sunggyu and Myungsoo decided then when the former simply shut Sunggyu up with his genius comeback—_

_“That’s medical abuse! I’m demanding for a lawyer!” He retorted with a smirk._

_Sunggyu just groaned, defeated before he picked up his tools, as he was ready to leave, “Whatever, I’m leaving. Don’t forget to drink that soup.” He reminded lastly._

_“Okay!” was the response Sunwoo gave before he and Myungsoo added with a naughty grin—“Bye, Gyu Umma!”_

_They shouted and laughed heartily while high-fiving each other._

_Sunggyu just narrowed his eyes at them one last time before he defeatedly rolled his eyes and finally left the room to the both of them._

 

Sunggyu’s sobs turn louder as the flashback raids his box of mind. He misses the boy. He misses Sunwoo’s teasing. He misses Sunwoo’s smile. He misses Sunwoo’s laughter. He misses Sunwoo’s naughty remarks. He misses everything about Sunwoo, and it had only been less than a day since Sunwoo had left them for good. How could he survive this without his Sunwoo?

Desperately, he cries and wails Sunwoo’s name over and over again, as though calling him will make the boy come back. As though calling his name will let him see Sunwoo once again, smiling and laughing at him as he always had. But it does nothing of that sort when all he gets is the soft hushes from his husband.

Woohyun has seriously runs out of ways to soothe his one and only love down. He has done this so many times before, comforting the elder with soft whispers and gentle rubs on his back and it usually almost immediately calms the elder down.

But Nam Woohyun knows that it’s different this time. Because never for the past few years he had known him, had he seen his Kim Sunggyu this despaired and crushed. It almost kills him inside when he sees how broken the other is. Not knowing what else to do or say to the crying mess in his arms, Woohyun just keeps on peppering gentle kisses on Sunggyu’s tuft of brown hair, hoping it will heal a part of the wound, but his kisses did nothing other than worsening the sobs.

Because to Kim Sunggyu, Nam Woohyun’s kisses are too gentle and too akin to love that he feels his heart heavy with love and care. And the need to cry just pushes him to the corner even more. He cries from the overflowing love. He also cries from the pain of loss. He just feels so safe to let out the tears in his husband’s embrace.

He just couldn’t stop the tears from running.

So he just lets the gravity do its work, letting those teardrops fall down and soaks Woohyun’s already damped shirt.

 

 

_“Sunwoo, how many times do I have to tell you that you shouldn’t close your curtain like this? You need sunlight and fresh air!”_

_“I don’t like it when it’s too bright in the morning.”_

_“But morning sun has many benefits! Besides, it’s not even morning anymore. It’s eleven already!” Sunggyu tattered while he strutted towards the huge window near the bed and slid the curtain open. The blinding sunrays immediately slipped in and struck Sunwoo’s heavy-lidded eyes, causing the latter to groan in annoy as he pulled his blanket up to cover his face._

_“Ugh, you’re nagging again! It’s still early! Let me sleep.” The little boy whined as he curled beneath the warmth of his blanket. Sunggyu however wasn’t going to comply with the younger’s wish, thus he had the honor of pulling the blanket off of the small figure on the bed and grinned._

_“No. It’s late and you’ve had enough sleep already.” He said before he picked up some tools from the trolley and begun setting them up by the bedside._

_“Now get up. I need to draw some blood from you.” Sunggyu demanded while he prepared a syringe and three small tubes in the tray, small cotton and a plaster already placed within. Sunwoo groaned once again as he sat up on the bad, tongue begrudgingly cluck at the doctor as he observed Sunggyu’s hands moving around the instruments expertly._

_“Why?” The patient asked, eyes following everywhere Sunggyu’s hand was moving. Sunwoo failed to see the sad smile gracing Sunggyu’s lips as his hands momentarily stopped before it returned to finish its job._

_“Nothing. Just the usual check ups.” The doctor answered dismissively, not wanting to alarm anything in the boy’s little head._

_But Sunwoo was a smart kid. He knew better than what Sunggyu thought he did. He might not be like any other normal kid who had to go to school to learn. He knew his ways around to learn important stuffs from the people around him. He had to survive too; after all he was an orphan with no money for hospital and school._

_He was irritated. Sunggyu was definitely treating him like he was still a child who wouldn’t understand anything even if he explained. And he hated that. He was a child indeed, but he was a smart one. He matured faster than other kids. He could understand. If only Sunggyu would talk to him more._

_“Fine. Suck all the blood you need. I don’t need them anyway.” Sunwoo huffed angrily, crossing his arms against his chest as he leaned back against the bedhead. Sunggyu’s eyes faltered for a brief moment, before he composed himself and forced on a big smile as he widened his eyes at the young boy._

_“Wow, such foul mouth. Should I sew those pretty lips of yours?” He coyly jabbed a finger into Sunwoo’s unprotected waist, earning himself a small smile that was quickly hidden as the latter ungracefully returned Sunggyu’s jab with his genius remark._

_“Wow, such failed doctor. Should I report you for physical threat?” Sunggyu had to laugh at this cheeky little brat as he shook his head amused._

_“You and your smart mouth.” The doctor said with his remaining laughter._

_“You and your nagging mouth.” And as always, Sunwoo and his little teasing remark while Sunggyu would just let out his usual soft grunt whenever he felt himself losing the battle of tongue._

_Sunwoo just laughed a little when he heard Sunggyu’s infamous grunt, until it subsided and the laughter was replaced with a sad smile._

_“If this is what it feels to have a nagging mother, hyung, then I really don’t wanna die early.” Sunwoo said out of the blue, taking the doctor by surprise with his unexpected revelation. Sunggyu’s smile immediately vanished._

_“Stop that. Stop jinxing yourself. Don’t think too negatively. Don’t I always tell you there’s always a rainbow after a heavy storm? Just believe in yourself and believe in us. We’ll try our best with you. Okay?” The doctor spoke and patted his patient’s head, with a convincing smile, almost convincing. And Sunwoo almost wanted to believe those words, almost, until he saw that brief falter behind Sunggyu’s sad eyes and forced smile. He understood immediately._

_But he knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault, especially not that of Sunggyu’s, so he just smiled and nodded, not wanting to make this go further._

_“Yes, umma.” He said with that teasing tone lacing his words._

_Sunggyu dropped the smile and glared at the younger before he waved a hand accompanied by a sigh._

_“I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear that. Now, eat that biscuit and drink the juice while I go send your blood to the lab.”_

_“Okay, Umma. I’ll be a good boy and eat well!” Sunwoo teased again, which only earned him a slight shake of head and a small smile from the elder. Seeing Sunggyu finally smiling earnestly, Sunwoo grinned and waved his hand frantically._

_“Bye Sunggyu Umma!!” He managed to slip out a shout before the door completely slid close._

 

Sunggyu shouldn’t have said those words. He shouldn’t have given that innocent boy a false hope. Why did he say them? Why did he sprout those non-sense hopeful thoughts when he knew they were all groundless lies? Kim Sunggyu really doesn’t understand that himself. A doctor shouldn’t say things based on their feelings, but what had he done? He just implanted those fake hopes, in hope that his little Sunwoo wouldn’t lose the hope of living. But what did he gain from that? Just his own feelings of relieve. And what did his words had cost the boy? The pain of finding out that those hopes he planted is all but _hopeless_.

_What had he done?_

“Woo—Woohyun…” He cried. “What—what had I done? I, I made him believe my lies. Why did I do that? Why did I give him hope, only to have that hope ripped off of him when he had believed in it so much? Oh god, what did I do—I—Woohyun… Woohyun… This is my fault. Everything is my fault… I took his hope away…” His sobs went louder as he clenched onto Woohyun’s shirt even stronger than before. As though he was holding and asking for strength or just begging for the comfort, for the pain to ease.

Sunggyu couldn’t help the louder wails that escaped his throat as soon as he hears Woohyun’s soft whispers of _it’s okay_ and _it’s not your fault_ and feels the gentle kisses on his temple.

He doesn’t deserve such kind words because he’s a cruel guy. He doesn’t deserve such care and love because he’s a cruel guy. He doesn’t deserve anything at all and he knows it. But those consoling words from his husband sound almost convincing despite what he thinks. He almost wants to believe in Woohyun’s words, that everything is okay, that everything is going to be fine, that it wasn’t his fault. But Sunggyu is not stupid. He knows it’s not okay, he knows it’s not going to be fine. He knows.

So he cries again. He sobs. He wails. He shakes his head. He refuses to believe Woohyun’s ‘ _it’s okay’_ s.

In the end, it’s still his fault for planting hopes.

 

 

_"Sunwoo, why arent you asleep yet?" Sunggyu frowned his forehead when he saw the younger standing and looking out the window, staring at the absolute darkness of the night lit only by the moonlight. Sunwoo turned on his feet, his lips curved down, hinting something akin to sadness._

_"Hyung." His vibrating voice called out._

_"Hmm?" Sunggyu only hummed in response as he walked towards the boy and checked the IV bag, a liquid-filled wire connecting into Sunwoo’s arm._

_"I wanna go out." The boy confessed and it stopped Sunggyu from meddling around with the almost empty IV bag. He understood what he meant, but he silently wished that he were wrong._

_"You wanna take a walk? Sure, I'll accompany you tomorrow, but for now, sle--" He blabbered but his words were put to a stop when he heard the younger lad groaned in annoy._

_"No, I wanna go out. Like out, out of hospital, hyung." Sunwoo grouched, eyes searching for Sunggyu’s evading ones._

_"But you are--" Sunggyu wanted to object but immediately halted his words when he noticed the solemn look on Sunwoo's face. Heaving a long quiet sigh, Sunggyu then dipped his bottom onto the side of the bed and pulled the boy to sit beside him._

 

_"Sunwoo, tell me what’s wrong." He asked softly, eyes finally fixated onto the boy's. Sunwoo sighed as well, diverting his eyes away from Sunggyu's as he casted them downward to his fidgeting fingers._

_"I just want to experience a normal teenage life, hyung. Going out and stuffs. I know I’m already lacking family and parents, at least let me have some fun outside with my friends."_

_"So this is what it’s about? You miss your family?" Sunwoo could only shake his head, sighing again. Sunggyu just didn’t get it._

_"No hyung. You can’t miss something you never had. I just, just wanted to know how it feels to have a family. Or maybe just how it feels to be a normal teenage kid. Not some kid stuck in hospital bed and smelling like anti-septic or meds all the time." Sunwoo confessed and it broke Sunggyu's heart a little when he heard the sorrow behind that small voice._

_"Okay. So, even if you can go out, whom are you going out with?" Sunwoo was about to mutter a name when Sunggyu cut him to it._

_"You know Myungsoo can't go out with you. He still have his tutoring session with Yeol’s brother."_

_"If you're thinking of asking Yeol, you better think twice because he's too stupid and directionally challenged, you'd be lost in the woods before you even reach your destination." Sunggyu interfered again when he saw Sunwoo’s lips were about to mouth another name._

_"Fine. What are you trying to say, hyung? That I have no one? That I have no friends at all other than you guys? Nice job hyung. You just helped me prove your point that I'm all alone."_

_"Sunwoo, that's not what I'm trying to say." Sunggyu bit his lips as he held the smaller hand in his._

_"Then what?" Sunwoo gritted his teeth, annoyed but mostly sad._

_"I'm saying that even if I’m not close to a friend to you, even if I’m just your doctor, I'm still going to bring you out." Sunggyu finally answered with a smile, and he thought his promise was so worth it the moment he saw that blinding smile on Sunwoo’s delighted face. He would deal with the consequences later. But for that moment, he knew he just wanted to make this boy happy as much as he could._

_"R-really?" Sunwoo had his eyes blinked rapidly, probably still couldn’t get out of the shock that Sunggyu just agreed, not to mention he was the one who was bringing him out._

_"Yeah." Sunggyu nodded._

_"Promise?" He asked again with an innocent look as he raised his little finger for a pinky promise. Sunggyu gladly hooked his little finger around the other’s and grinned._

_"Promise. We'll go sometime before your surgery."_

_"With Woohyun appa?"_

_"Yes, with Woohyun app—wait, wait. Wait a minute. What— No, why– I mean, w-when? How?" Sunggyu spluttered, a shade of rosy pink dusted his plump cheeks as he stared wide-eyed at the grinning little boy._

_"Hehe, I might or might not have borrowed your phone a little to search for something online. And I might or might not have read your conversation. A-accidentally of course!" Sunwoo clarified, not without that cheeky grin of his of course._

_"Okay fine. I’m going to ignore that bit of you stealing—“_

_“Borrowing!” Sunwoo interrupted with a naughty grin but Sunggyu just rolled his eyes._

_“—Whatever. But why did you call Woohyun, Woohyun appa?" Sunggyu asked with a scrunch of nose. Sunwoo’s grin probably stretched a little bit wider when he was asked. Sunggyu almost thought that he shouldn’t have asked that question._

_"Well, you're my nagging umma, and since Woohyun hyung is your husband, so he upgraded to Woohyun appa!" Sunwoo answered, flashing a row of beautiful teeth as he still had that grin plastered on his cute face._

_"You and your little family talk." Sunggyu mumbled with a pout as he shook his head, although behind that subtle shake of head laid a hidden smile, silently liking the way Sunwoo was addressing them._

_Like a complete set of family._

 

 

Kim Sunggu cries even harder when he remembers that day they went out together. The four of them playing around, riding that super fast roller coaster that got Sunwoo and Myungsoo laughed out loud when he saw Sunggyu nearly puking after the ride. Walking through the darkness of the haunted house that had Sunwoo guffawed a little too boisterously when Woohyun and Myungsoo had clung to the both of them throughout the scary journey despite bragging about being the strongest and bravest of them all. He wants to laugh at how ridiculous Woohyun had looked, how funny Myungsoo had turned out to be and how happy Sunwoo had been that day, but all he could muster was a choked cry as more tears poured out just as those memories flooded his head.

He should’ve brought Sunwoo out more. But he was selfish. He was too afraid that Sunwoo’s condition would worsen if he were to bring him out too often. He was too afraid that he would lose Sunwoo to his own selfishness of wanting to bring him out. He was all too selfish. And because of this selfishness of his, he had ripped the boy off of his chance to experience a great life out there. He trapped Sunwoo inside the cage he had been yearning to escape.

 

How much crueler can he get really?

 

_“Hyung.” Sunwoo called, his face so pale and his lips coarsely chapped as his weak gaze fell onto Sunggyu’s tired face._

_Sunggyu staggered a little as he nervously hurried towards Sunwoo from the end of the bed to his side. The file in his hand was long forgotten as he dropped them onto the side table._

_“Y-yes, Sunwoo?” He responded with a smile albeit forced and bitter. Sunwoo could discern the exhaustion tracing the lines of his eyes, the devastated look underlying those thin lips that was forcing a smile._

_“Did you even sleep lately, hyung?” He asked with a weak chuckle. Sunwoo’s voice was hoarse yet it still carried the melodious sound of harmony and sweetness to Sunggyu’s ears. Sunggyu just gave him a comforting smile._

_“I did. I’ve had too much sleep actually that I can barely sleep tonight. That’s why I’ll be here with you until tomorrow.” He answered as he fixed the blanket covering Sunwoo’s lithe body, pulling it higher before tucking the hem under his arms._

_Sunwoo chuckled again._

_“Liar. Besides, you can’t be here all night, hyung. You have other patients to tend to.” The boy replied as he nestled deeper into the comfort of his warm blanket, loving the way Sunggyu was tending to his sleep._

_Sunggyu then pouted a little as he poked a finger at Sunwoo’s cheek._

_“Yah, are you actually trying to chase me out right now?” He complaint, cutely if Sunwoo could say, but he wasn’t going to admit it because it was his job to bully this big boy in front of him. So he did._

_“Yeah. Get your ass out there, hyung. Do your job.” He smugly said despite his hoarse voice, even curling a corner of his lips into a smirk at the elder. Sunggyu had his tiny eyes widened at that._

_“Wah, this ungrateful brat. And here I am trying to be nice enough to keep you company.” The doctor twitched his lips before he pinched the younger’s cheeks in revenge._

_“Yah, don’t pinch! Besides, I’m not a kid, hyung. I can sleep fine by myself.” Sunwoo clenched his small fist as he threw a false threat of punching the elder. Sunggyu lightly laughed at the other’s adorable threat before his eye smile dropped into a flat line. A sigh was heard before Sunggyu reached his hand and caressed Sunwoo’s soft locks._

_“But tomorrow… It’s your—“ He begun weakly only to be interrupted when Sunwoo interfered._

_“I know.” The latter commented, smiling as he let the doctor threaded his fingers through his hair._

_“Honestly, I’m really scared, hyung.” Sunwoo begun, eyes slowly closing as he drowned himself with the soft caresses on his head. Sunggyu kept his silence but let his fingers did the magic as he waited the boy to continue. “But as much as I’m scared about it, I think I’m actually fine with it too.”_

_“What do you mean? Are you scared or are you actually not scared? Which is it?” Sunggyu was definitely confused, his eyes narrowing into slits and his eyebrows knitted so close together as he failed to understand the meaning behind those words. And Sunwoo really wanted to laugh when he saw Sunggyu’s tiny eyes gone in a split second in the state of his confusion._

_But instead, he kept his laughter in and just shook his head._

_“Nah, when I think about it, I think I’m actually not that scared.” He dismissed the subject. The frown on Sunggyu’s forehead dug deeper after that._

_“You’re really a complicated guy, you know that?” He exclaimed, his long fingers finally lifted off of Sunwoo’s head as he took his files into his hold. Sunwoo wanted to whine at the loss of the comforting touches, but he shouldn’t be too selfish because he knew he wasn’t the only patient Sunggyu was attending to._

_“Hehe, I know, hyung. I know. Now, go.” He shooed the elder away as his thin hand pushed the latter’s waist._

_“Fine, I’ll leave. My kind and beautiful heart had been rejected. Fine.” Sunggyu complaint, his lips immediately jutted into a cute pout. He then took his stethoscope from the table and was ready to walk out, until the younger suddenly called him again._

_“Hyung?”_

_“Yeah?” Sunggyu turned to the boy._

_“Thank you, hyung.” There was this indecipherable smile plastered on the sick boy’s face as he uttered those words and Sunggyu somehow didn’t like how it looked like across that pale face. His eyes faltered into a few blinks as he swallowed the inexistent lump in his throat._

_“Thank you for what?”_

_“For that day we went to the amusement park. For that time you let me into your life. For that minute you worried about me. For that second you prayed for me. Just for everything.” Sunwoo spoke with that smile he couldn’t decipher. And Sunggyu suddenly found his heart drumming a bit too wildly against his ribcage at the sound of his words._

_“W-what was that f-for? You, you’re funny, Sunwoo. Don’t speak like that. Actually, it’s not funny at all. Stop making unfunny jokes. Uhh, right. I’ll, I’ll go now.” Sunggyu stuttered. His heartbeat didn’t slow down despite the melodious laugh from Sunwoo that entailed his stutters. Not knowing what to make out of the sudden gratitude, Sunggyu staggeringly headed for the door until Sunwoo once again called his name when he was barely at the doorframe._

_“Sunggyu umma.” Thin and hoarse was his voice then. The elder turned around and managed to fake a glare at his way. He didn’t want this strange atmosphere to continue. That tense and heavy air was confining him._

_“Stop with that umma. I’m a guy, a hyung.” He purposely jutted his lips into a pout._

_“Yeah, but you’re forever my umma too.” Sunwoo smiled. That smile._

_“Fine, fine. You win. I’ll be your umma. Now, just rest and focus on getting through your surgery tomorrow, okay? Then, we’ll think about registering you under my name as my son, good?” Sunggyu asked as he circled his thumb and forefinger into ‘okay’ sign. His words almost sounded like a joke that Sunwoo couldn’t help but found himself laughing at his almost too impossible words. Satisfied to see the younger finally laughing cutely, Sunggyu huffed a relieved sigh and finally walked out of the room with a mixed feeling._

_And Sunggyu just so happened to miss the small whisper of Sunwoo that escaped his mouth as he curled his lips into a longing smile._

 

_“I’m not scared of dying, hyung._

_But I’m scared of leaving you and Myungsoo behind.”_

 

 

 

_And it was until the next morning when Sunggyu found himself ghastly running towards Sunwoo’s ward, only to find out that he was too late and Sunwoo was already gone._

 

_Forever._

 

 

p/s: not a native English user, so do bear with any mistakes!


	3. The hollow of his heart

♬[ **BTOB - It's Okay**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4rN5Y7Dx_I)♬

 

Without as much as a simple alarm, Sunggyu suddenly shakes his head aggressively against Woohyun’s chest. His light punches continuously abusing his husband’s side when his wailing turned up a few notches. Of course he can’t really help it. The unboxing of last night’s memory is just like a trigger to detonate an even higher level of mourning out of the heartbroken male. His fragile heart couldn’t handle the sinking fact. His hollow heart just couldn’t bear the mere thought of losing Sunwoo, having lost Sunwoo. He just couldn’t imagine a life without Sunwoo.

 _His Sunwoo_. He doesn’t care if they have just a mere ten years of age gap. He doesn’t care if they barely knew each other for less than 9 months. He still wants to call Sunwoo his. His Sunwoo. His son. He doesn’t care. He wants Sunwoo as his son. But Sunwoo isn’t there anymore. He isn’t there for him to realize that wish of his, of Sunwoo’s. He had left. He was gone.

_Eternally gone._

Kim Sunggyu harshly rubs the incessant tears that keep on running down his face against Woohyun’s chest, sobbing and hiccupping while trying to speak, to voice whatever it is that is in his head. And Nam Woohyun can only listen to every rumble and mumbles that come his way.

“I’m an idiot, Woohyun. A complete idiot. I s-shouldn’t have dismissed it like that when he called me u-umma. I– I should’ve said something better. I should’ve told him that I l-like hearing him calling me that. I should’ve told him that I like the way he called you a-appa. I should’ve told him. But I d-didn’t. I don’t understand why I didn’t.” A restraint hiccup escapes Sunggyu’s throat along with a harsh jerk of his shoulder.

“Sunwoo likes calling us like that, but I always, a-always pretend like I’m angry. Like I hate being called that way. But I-I’m not. I actually like it, love it. I’m so stupid, Woohyun. I’m really really really so stupid.” The doctor blubs, almost sounding like a desperate plea as he thrusts his feeble fist into Woohyun’s chest and arm aimlessly, devastated.

“I should’ve just stayed there with him l-last night. Stayed with h-him. Be with him even if I had to witness his p-passing. I should’ve been there with him, for him, but I didn’t. He asked me to leave and I complied. I shouldn’t have listened to him. I should’ve stayed!” His voice rises up at the last bits as he bursts in anger out of the blue. Kim Sunggyu is just suddenly too angry at himself, too maddened at his own stupidity, at his misplaced ego. He tries to hold back the severe hiccups that are just about to explode but there is just no way of stopping the uncontrollable. Because the only thing Kim Sunggyu can do to try and wash the pain away is by bawling his eyes out, hoping that the streaming tears could somehow carry the pain along as they disappear and soak Woohyun’s shirt.

 

Nam Woohyun on the other hand just cannot stand it anymore. It hurts him so badly to see how Sunggyu keeps on blaming himself for what he couldn’t possibly avoid, for what he couldn’t have possibly guessed or expected would happen. It wasn’t his fault. It _isn’t_ his fault. It never was and never will be. He was after all just doing his duty. Why does he have to put all the blame on his shoulder? Why must he carry them all by himself? Why can't he understand that none of these is his fault?

Woohyun may not shoulder the same kind of excruciating pain as his husband does, he had met and known Sunwoo of course, but it wasn’t to the same extent as Sunggyu did. But it’s all the same in the end. He can still feel and share at least part of what his husband is suffering. Because at the end of the day, Nam Woohyun just loves Sunwoo all the same— just as much as he does.

“Hey…” Woohyun’s voice comes out breathy despite his attempt to sound soft and coaxing. He’s just doubtful if what he is about to say would do any difference to the crying mess of his husband. But he just braces himself, _it can never hurt to try, right_?

“Hey, Gyu. Hey, stop it. You can’t possibly blame yourself for everything, Gyu. It’s not your fault at all. Nothing is. You have to stop blaming yourself.” Woohyun tries, he really does, but he is starting to feel useless, hopeless even because it seems like his words had done nothing to lessen Sunggyu’s pain. Because to Kim Sunggyu, those coaxes sound too honey-coated, too rainbows and sunshine, that it makes them just sound impossible to believe. It was just too good to be true.

Or maybe it’s just simply because at this point, Kim Sunggyu already thinks that nothing can actually be done to help him ease the pain. That agonizing pain will always be there. And there’s nothing, not even Nam Woohyun’s sweet talk can fill the hollow of his heart, as effortlessly left empty by Sunwoo’s mere farewell. His eternal farewell.

 _Nothing can heal this, nothing can_ — or so Kim Sunggyu thinks at the peak of his grief. Kim Sunggyu can hardly thinks properly at this stage where his head is all fuzzy and his heart heavy with the burden of his loss. All that he can fathom in his miserable state of mind is, he can never ever erase this pain. It will always, always be there.

 

That is, until his ears are graced with the most soothing and melodious sound of harmony coming out of Nam Woohyun’s throat as he sings the one song that they always sung before.

 

_“Do your shoulders feel heavy?_

_It isn’t easy to put down that heavy luggage, right?_

_Someone said this before, when your dreams feel far,_

_Then take a break for a bit before going.”_

 

Woohyun begins his singing; cradling Sunggyu’s body softly as he does so, as if he’s singing a lullaby for a baby, hoping it would finally lull the male down.

 

_“Are you tired from the same lifestyle every day?_

_Just who is that for?_

_You’ll end up falling down anyways._

 

_When you’re having a tough time, and think that you’re alone,_

_Listen to this song…”_

 

Sunggyu’s cries has quieted down by this time, only his shoulders still violently shaking in a series of hiccups, his body still nestling deep within Woohyun’s embrace as he tentatively listens to every sound of his voice, of his singing.

 

_“Look forward to it, the melody that you enjoyed listening to._

_The voice that would come out on a radio,_

_All I can do are these song lyrics,_

_Even if you’re having a tough time,_

_It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,_

_It’s going to be well, I believe in you...”_

 

Woohyun smoothly ends his singing with a tender lingering kiss on Sunggyu’s tuft of hair. And just as soon, Kim Sunggyu feels the ghost of Woohyun’s smile against the top of his head, feeling his body sways from side to side within his husband’s loving arms. Strangely enough, he feels calm. His tears have miraculously faded to a stop although the salty traces are still there. His hiccups are barely there, seemingly blended in the gentle rock of his body.

Kim Sunggyu himself is indeed surprised to notice his crying has subsided. He almost thinks it is impossible to stop, but Nam Woohyun is definitely a blessing in disguise. He just simply stirs a miracle out of his own voice, putting a stop to the miserable cries. Howon who has been by their side watching the heartbreaking scene also has his eyebrow cocked at one side, not exactly expecting the sudden halt of Sunggyu’s horrible crying. While Woohyun can only breathe a sigh of relief along with a content smile as he plants just one more kiss on Sunggyu’s head.

“Feeling better now?” Woohyun asks after some moments of silence. Not trusting his own voice, Sunggyu just opts to nod his head against Woohyun’s chest as he keeps his head buried there.

It has been awhile since Woohyun had sung anything, and he honestly is not as confident with his singing as he used to. But he thinks if it can somehow appease his breaking husband down, then, his singing must have been quite a magnificent treat to every pair of ears in the room. Woohyun just feels like grinning shamelessly at that. Well, he has always been shameless. It’s after all the one trait that had successfully earned him his husband in the first place.

“Good. Let’s go to our room then. You should freshen up a bit. You have snots all over your face, and my shirt too.” Woohyun announces, removing his arms from the embrace as he tries to pull Sunggyu away from him and push him into the room.

But instead of pulling away, Sunggyu just suddenly tautens his own arms around Woohyun’s sturdy built as he presses his head deeper into Woohyun’s comfort, even shaking his head cutely as he refuses to separate. Woohyun furrows his forehead strangely at his husband’s refusal but it doesn’t exactly last longer than a few seconds when realization finally dawns upon him. He just chuckles amusedly as he adorably pats Sunggyu’s head.

“Aigoooo, my Gyu is so cuteeee. Are you embarrassed to everyone here now that you’re sober enough to realize that you’ve been crying so terribly loud like that?” Woohyun just chuckles again when all Sunggyu does are nod against his chest, refusing to reveal his blushing face out in the open. Mainly because he can sense the drilling stares digging through the back of his head from everyone in the living room. He of course can’t help but to ponder about the occasion that had them crowding in his average house in the first place. He’ll probably ask Woohyun about it later on.

“Well, at least let me see your face full of snot. At least your husband should see it too! I want to see my cutie Gyu with snots.” Woohyun teases and laughs happily before Sunggyu has the strength to pinch his husband’s side in revenge.

Woohyun lets out a loud and playful yelp before he resumes his laughter and pulls Sunggyu deeper into his arms again.

“Hehe, I got it, I got it. Let’s go in together.” Woohyun says and pulls the elder together with him, struggling with each of their steps with Sunggyu attached to his body like glue, unwilling to separate even for an inch for fear he could reveal his snotty tearful face to everyone.

“Aish, the things I do for you, Kim Sunggyu. You’re really a wonder to me—” Sunggyu perks his ears at Woohyun’s hanging words, “a _wonder_ ful gift,” and blushes madly when he hears the rest. Woohyun just ends his greasy comment with a childish giggle as he ruffles the doctor's hair.

Kim Sunggyu would’ve thrown him out of the window for being so greasy out of all the time if it's not because Woohyun is kind enough to be his sole protector from being swallowed into the pit of his own embarrassment. So instead, he just lightly kicks Woohyun’s shin before tugging the latter’s sleeve quite urgently, pressing his husband to finally drag them into their room, he just wants to be out of the open as soon as possible.

The cute and shy gesture from his husband makes Woohyun just brimmed with a huge urge to pinch those fluff cheeks and hides his cute hamster in his pocket so he can keep him there forever. But he thinks it's quite an impossible task since Sunggyu is quite the chubby one himself. He wouldn’t fit in the pocket of his tight jeans—sadly.

In the end, Woohyun just chooses to adorably squeeze Sunggyu’s smaller figure in his arms, adoring the cuteness of his Nam Sunggyu.  After a few more cute and sweet struggles, they finally reach the door of their room when Sunggyu out of the blue releases himself out of Woohyun’s arms, covers his face with one of his palm and swiftly enters the room. And of course, he doesn’t forget to accidentally slam the door close into Nam Woohyun’s face, missing just a few inches before it can assault him hard.

Woohyun just blinks his eyes perplexedly.

“Was I just ditched outside of our room by none other than my own husband, Nam Sunggyu?” He asks himself in disbelief, and surprisingly his self-question effectively gains a loud response from the inside.

“It’s Kim Sunggyu, dammit!” He hears the elder hisses. Woohyun couldn’t really help the chuckle that escapes his throat when he hears Sunggyu’s throaty voice out of crying for so long.

“Just freshen up and then come out quickly, okay Gyu? I miss you! So don’t stay in there too long even if I know you’re embarrassed to death right now!” Woohyun teases again and laughs out loud when he hears a loud thud against the door. It’s probably just Sunggyu throwing a pillow towards him, or the door in this case.

 

Sunggyu takes quite some of his sweet time before finally emerging out of their room, face still evidently somber despite looking a bit fresher than before. There is a slight blush adorning his fair skin as he shyly heads for the seat beside Woohyun. Nam Woohyun just couldn’t help the impish grin plastered on his face when he sees how cute his husband is as he walks their way.

It’s only when Howon had smacked his shameless steel head does Woohyun finally pulls out of his greasy look and groans loudly.

“Yah! What was that for?!” The architect growls at the younger doctor, hand rubbing circles at the sore spot of his head while his lips protrude into his infamous greasy pout. Howon just cringes his face at the unsightly view.

“Just stop staring at him with your greasy smile. It’s making my poor pore oozes greasy oil. They’re ruining my skin.”

“So what? I can stare at my husband and you can grow pimples for all I care.” Woohyun ridiculously sticks his tongue out at Howon before he swiftly changes from his annoyed look into a face full of cheeky grins and bananas the moment he finds Sunggyu already within an arm reach. He immediately reaches out his hand to take Sunggyu’s in his before he pulls his adorable doctor to sit by his side.

“Hey cutie.” Woohyun openly flirts with his shy husband before he starts his never-ending bantering again. “Awww, there’s no snotty Gyu anymore. I wanna see snotty Gyuuuuuu. Where’s my snotty Gyuuuuu?! I want snotty Gyu!!” Woohyun outlandishly whines, flailing his legs while he tugs on Sunggyu’s arms childishly. A wave of heat almost immediately rushes into Sunggyu’s face while Howon just have to roll his eyes annoyed because he really doesn’t need to see Woohyun’s one-sided childish flirting any more than he already has. For all he knew, Woohyun could’ve infected him with his Nam-grease if he continues to keep this up.

“Ugh. Pimples! Pimples!” Howon groans exasperated while his hand covers his eyes from the sinful view. After trying to blatantly ignore Woohyun’s puke-worthy flirting, Howon just distractedly returns his focus back to Sunggyu’s slightly blushing self before he smiles benevolently.

“Hey, Gyu. Feeling better now?” Howon asks which in return, only earns him an embarrassed nod from his childhood bestfriend. Howon has to grin at that.

“Good. It feels weird to see you not crying back then in the hospital. I’m glad you cried.” Howon continues, just to have his waist jabbed quite painfully by none other than the furious Woohyun.

“Yah!” The handsome architect hisses and roll his eyes when he only gains a confused frown on Howon’s face.

“What?”

“Do you have to remind him about _that_ now?!” He hisses in a form of what he apparently thinks as a whisper. Howon just widens his eyes upon realization while his hand immediately shoots up to cover his gasping mouth as if he was just caught red-handed for something he shouldn’t have done. Sunggyu just quietly giggles at their stupid antics before he shakes his head softly.

“It’s okay. I think I can take it now. I’ve got Woohyun with me after all.” Sunggyu reassures with a shy smile before he leans his body closer to Woohyun’s. He knows he’ll probably regret it later for being this shy and fidgety around his husband, which is very unlikely of him, but for now, he just doesn’t want to think about all of these at all. He just wants to drown himself in the safety of Woohyun’s warm presence. He’s done crying. He just wants some comfort. Howon on other side just smiles in relief to see the elder getting better before he furrows his eyebrows together—

“Eww, Gyu. Since when were you this greasy? Has Woohyun’s vibes rubbed on you too much? It’s annoying even if it comes from you.”

“Oh, you’re just jealous, Howon. But don’t you worry. I’m sure you’ll find your own other half soon enough. I can tell.” Woohyun grins as he raises a thumbs up at Howon who cringes repulsively.

“How could you tell? You think you're a witch or something? Besides, don’t call my future partner my other half. It’s repulsive especially since it’s coming from you!” Howon retorts with another set of eye roll but to his annoyance, Woohyun just simply puts on that Cheshire grin that he hates so much before he spits out more of his bantering.

“Awwww, your future partner! Not a husband, not a wife but a partner! So you _do_ have someone in your mind then. Cute!” Woohyun bats his eyelashes in a manner he assumes is a cute little kitten when in fact, it only looks as close to a disgustingly perverted grandpa. Howon just seriously wants to rip his own hair off of his scalp because of this. Or maybe, he should have just ripped Woohyun’s hair off of his. _Much better._

“Just one advice for you Lee Howon. If you’re not sure of your feeling, just attack his lips. You’ll have the answer within milliseconds.” Woohyun crosses his arms against his chest smugly.

“Why would I want to attack his lips? Ewwww!” Howon is absolutely feeling repulsed now—

“Oh, so it’s really a _he_ then!” But not as much as he burns with desire to murder this Nam Woohyun in his sleep. _This sly bastard_. Howon is just so itchy with his wants to punch and wipe that sly grin off of his greasy face.

“Ughh! I’m going to kill you, Nam Woohyun!” Howon has already clenched his fingers into a fist when Woohyun comically hides half of his body behind Sunggyu’s leaner one and squeaks “Gyuuuu! Hoya is gonna kill me! Hide meeeeeee!” very childishly.

“Don’t call me Hoya!! It sounds revolting coming out of your greasy mouth!”

“Why do you even care? It’s just a nickname! Or don’t tell me you have that sappy romantic side where your nickname is reserved only and only for your perfect other half? Ewwww! It’s not even that special!” Woohyun knows then that his taunting is working the moment he sees that flustered look flashing on Lee Howon's face instead of his usual annoyed demeanor.

“Of course it’s special!” He retorts flustered. “Because Dongwoo’s the one who—shit!” A flustered Howon is always an honest boy.

“Oh, so his name is Dongwoo~” Woohyun cheekily nods his head as he catches his chin in between his thumb and forefinger. Sunggyu who has been entertaining himself with the two’s banter suddenly decides to chime in the teasing too.

“Dongwoo huh~” The elder doctor adds with an equally wide cheeky grin adorning his face. Howon’s hands straightaway shoot upward to slam into his face, possibly trying to hide the severe blush that creeps its way under his skin before he groans in defeat.

“Not you too!” He whines out loud, madly embarrassed now. The two of them just guffaw at Howon’s exasperated gestures. Even the others in the living room have turned out to join them, their efforts to suppress their laughter and giggles failing severely. The once gloomy atmosphere just magically lifted off as they momentarily forget the cause of their glum in the first place.

But the happiness doesn’t last for so long when Howon suddenly receives a call from Sungyeol’s mother.

“Yes, Sunghee-ssi? I’m sorry, what—? But how could you— I thought I left him in your care?!” Howon’s voice sounds frustrated, tensed even while he glances at Sunggyu from time to time. Sunggyu couldn’t help the sudden tense in his muscles. The pit of his stomach churns badly as he listens to Howon’s phone call.

“It doesn’t matter now. Just please, look for him. We’ll do the same here. Call me when you found him.” Howon says before he ends the call. Hastily, he turns to Sunggyu with an extremely worried look and bites his lips.

“Gyu, Myungsoo's—Myungsoo is gone. I-I left him with Sungyeol and his mother awhile ago, but he's- he’s gone. We have to look for hi—Hey, Sunggyu! Wait!”

 


	4. Even if you're gone

It has been nearly three hours since Myungsoo had gone missing and Sunggyu, Woohyun and Howon have been running around ever since, frantically looking for the missing boy. They have tried looking at every possible crook and nook of the places they thought he could be, but they were all pointless.

Sungyeol and his mother have mobilized a search party comprising a few familiar nurses and janitors to look around the hospital, but not even a trace of his shadow was seen or found. Sunggyu had suggested a few places he thought Myungsoo would be, but the search only turned out a failure when it was found empty of the sought boy. He is nowhere to be found and Kim Sunggyu is getting unbelievably worried now but he knows he can't go frantic about it. Frantic is never going to make a very safe and fine Myungsoo pop out of nowhere. So instead, he opts to remain calm, well, as calm as he can be in that sort of situation of course.

“Where is he…?” Sunggyu quietly mutters under his ragged breathe, biting his bottom lips worriedly as his eyes gaze around his surrounding aimlessly, not knowing where should he head for next. His foot however betrayed all kind of calmness he planned to exude when they all but tapped and tapped restlessly against the ground.

“Where could he possibly be at this late hour?” Sunggyu hears Woohyun questions as the latter then messes his hair frustrated before he flicks the top two buttons of his shirt open, feeling hot and uncomfortable from the heat and sweats much thanks to their rigorous and unexpected exercise beforehand. Howon on the other hand seems to be close to losing his mind, ruffling his sweat-trickled hair, heaving a long heavy sigh as he keeps on pacing back and forth, absolutely more than worried and yes, he never plan on being even half-discreet about it because, _dammit! Myungsoo is still missing!_

“Where is he?!" Howon's voice pitched up as he rashly scratched the back of his head with a deep furrow etched on his face. "We’ve been searching for hours and we still couldn’t find him! It’s already late and he’s just a boy! It’s dangerous for him to be alone at this hour!” Howon out of the blue hardly kicks into the thin cold air, not knowing where else should he directs his worry and anger other than the poor and chill night air. Sunggyu just calmly takes a few steps to no where in particular as he firmly places his hands over his waist and tries to regain his normal breathing, his face blankly facing the darkly hooded sky while sticky sweats just went rampage all over his body.

“I know, Howon. I know. We’ll find him. We will.” The eldest reassures with a sigh, although he knows it seems almost quite an impossible task to do now that they’ve all but ran out of places to search.

“How can you be so sure?! He’s just 15, for God sake, Sunggyu! What if something bad happens to him?! How can you be so calm?!” He snaps again. Howon always snaps these days and Sunggyu guesses it must be because things haven’t been the smoothest lately. He shouldn’t take Howon’s snapping to heart and he has to remain calm on his stead. He can’t possibly freak out now that they still haven’t found his Myungsoo being safe and sound yet. He needs to be calm so he can think properly. _Think, Sunggyu, think!_ He forces his brain to work its screws and all.

“Yes! Exactly, Howon. He’s only 15 so where could he possibly go at this hour? There won’t be many places that allow teenagers to linger or stay. He should be somewhere near here.” Sunggyu tries his best to continue his calm streak. Myungsoo is definitely somewhere out there and he’s very sure that the boy wouldn’t do anything reckless. He’s mature enough to not do something stupid. So he must be exactly somewhere that he wants to be; somewhere he thinks he needs to be at this moment on, but--

"-- where could Myungsoo possibly want to be right now?” He finishes his question out loud while he subconsciously brings a finger to his lips and slightly nibbles on the skin as he rakes his mind to think. But the future seems so bleak and pointless now that his mind is still blank and probably not working at its best, and he just can’t seem to think or guess a place that may have his Myungsoo.

“Myungsoo, just where are you? Oh god, why didn’t I just bought him a phone before this? How can I be that stupid?” He blames himself again, lightly hitting on his temple as he nibbles on his lips restlessly.

“Gyu, what if he’s hurt? What if he’s kidnapped? Or worst— what if he’s lost? He wouldn’t know the way back and he could’ve been smuggled to God knows where!” Howon suddenly grabs Sunggyu’s weakened body and thrash him around.

“Oh for God’s sake, Howon, stop freaking out! He’s freaking 15 years old! He wouldn’t be lost around here even if he wants to!” Woohyun suddenly barks and harshly swat Howon’s hands off of Sunggyu, surprising the latter into a jolt as he’s taken by surprise from the unforeseen outburst from his husband. He has heard of Woohyun’s unexpected temper from the talk of his family and close friends but he has never witnessed it with his own pair of eyes. And the sight of Woohyun’s fierce glare and his flushed face somehow send him a feeling of cold shiver and warmth at the same time. Frightened because of the sight of his husband getting heated in front of him for the first time and warmth because Woohyun is still thoughtful about him despite their current situation.

Sunggyu faintly curls a small smile at the two males. They’re only behaving like this because they’re just extremely worried about Myungsoo, and it warms his heart to know how important the little boy is to the both of them, especially his Woohyun. Softly, Sunggyu lifts his arms and touch Woohyun and Howon’s arms attempting to calm them down.

“Hey, it’s alright. We’ll find him. Let’s think again. I’m sure Myungsoo’s just around here somewhere.” He squeezes both their arms and it seems to do the magic when they both seem to cool down slowly.

“It’s already 9 p.m., so where in the world could he be now?” Woohyun voices out, tapping his left foot on the ground restlessly while Howon just shakes his head. He just can’t think properly what with his frenzied mind.

“Okay, let’s go through this once again. Myungsoo’s not in the orphanage, not in the hospital, and not even in the funeral hall where Sunwoo’s body is currently residing in. So where else could he wants to be?” Sunggyu voices out his thought as he taps his fist against his forehead, raking his brain to work, to think, to remember even just a small clue of Myungsoo’s whereabout—

“— park…” Sunggyu mumbles quietly, his gaze straight ahead as the word works at the tip of his tongue.

“What park?” Howon creases his forehead at Sunggyu. He couldn’t quite catch what the elder had mumbled.

“Amusement park!” Sunggyu eagerly shouts and snaps his finger before he dashes full throttle towards the said place. Woohyun and Howon who barely caught what the elder had yelled are left perplexed behind before they quickly speed up their steps into running, following the eldest male even though they still have no clue as to where they’re heading for.

It takes them almost twenty minutes to reach the said amusement park. Sunggyu’s tiny eyes are already raking the surroundings as he frantically looks for the small figure of Myungsoo as soon as he arrives at the place. Woohyun and Howon only close in a few seconds later before joining his venture of looking for the missing boy. They take a few hurried steps as they roam around the place, bodies turning hastily and feet rustling clumsily looking for Myungsoo. Sunggyu is just about to give up the place and ventures for another one when a familiar unique voice suddenly falls into his ears.

“Uncle! Please, let me borrow some money! I promise I’ll return them to you first thing tomorrow! Please uncle!” He hears Myungsoo’s desperate plea somewhere near him and he immediately knows that he’s close.

Slowly, Sunggyu turns on his feet and traces the source of that voice and his heart just drops at the sight that greets him then. Myungsoo is rushing towards a middle-aged lady when that uncle had ignored him, stumbling on his legs when he gently takes hold of her arm, stopping her from leaving.

“Aunty! Aunty! Please, lend me some money. Please! I need them. I promise I’ll return them so please, lend me some money.” He begs once again, tugging on the elder’s arm with a desperate look.

“Please, aunty! I really need them!” He pleads again but it only earns him a loud scoff from the elder woman.

“And then what? You’ll end up using the money to get into the amusement park, won’t you?” She throws Myungsoo a dirty look before rolling her eyes annoyed when she sees the hesitant look on the boy’s face.

“Y-yes, that’s true, b-but it’s not like what you think it is— ouch!”Myungsoo yelps in pain when the woman suddenly tugs her arm out of the former’s hold, pushing him hard to the ground in the process as he harshly lands on his bottom.

Sunggyu widens his eyes at the scene, feeling something akin to a mix of worry and anger rumbling beneath his chest as he storms his way towards them.

“Myungsoo!!” He yells his name loudly and sprints towards the stumbled boy, startling both Woohyun and Howon with his shout before they turn around and make a dash along Sunggyu’s path.

“Huh, kids nowadays. Even begging for money just to have some fun. Shameless.” The middle-aged lady spats before she throws another dirty look at Myungsoo and leave him just stunned on the ground.

“Myungsoo!” Three voices mesh together in worry when the three of them finally reach the boy. Myungsoo snaps his head up in surprise when he hears the familiar voices, his eyes bulging out even wider when he sees the three figures in front of him. While Sunggyu almost immediately kneels and scramble on the ground as he approaches for Myungsoo and explore his body, looking for any trace of injury.

“Myungsoo, are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere? Talk to me, Myungsoo! Tell me if you’re hurt anywhere!” Sunggyu’s frantic voice finally pulls the younger out of his shock.

“S-Sunggyu hyung, what, what are you guys doing here?” He manages to ask as he slowly stands up with Sunggyu’s arms holding him for support measure.

And it’s then when Sunggyu suddenly bursts out loud. “You!!” He yells. His face deeply flushed, his eyes narrowing into slits as he strongly grips on Myungsoo’s shoulder. The youngest boy instinctively flinches because of the sudden burst. He eyes the elder nervously yet he doesn’t know what to make out of Sunggyu’s flushed face. Is it anger? Worry? Exhaustion? He couldn’t quite decipher the look on the doctor’s face. But assuming from the violent tremble of Sunggyu’s arms that are holding tight onto his shoulder, Myungsoo is partially sure that Sunggyu is angry with him. Worried maybe, but he's most probably angry. He’s even more sure about it when he sees Sunggyu’s chin quivers as he’s about to scold him. Myungsoo has already had his eyes tight shut when he sees Sunggyu's hand lifted high in the air as it readies to swing forward. Only the hit and the scolding never really came when a pair of cold, rough skin softly touch his cheeks. Sunggyu is cupping his face in his cold, sweaty palms.

With a slight frown on his face, Myungsoo peeks open an eye to sneak a glance at the elder, but the sight that greets him a few seconds later definitely never quite prepared him for what is to come next.

“S-Sunggyu hyung.” Myungsoo’s voice cracks a little when he calls out, feeling a surge of guilt flooding his system the moment he grasps the tears that are streaming down the elder’s face. Sunggyu however just wails loudly again when he quickly pulls Myungsoo into his arms, tightly holding him in his embrace as he buries his soaked face into the crook of the younger’s neck. The latter could only hover his arms over Sunggyu’s back, hesitant if he should return the hug back when he’s still quite upset with the doctor. But the tears behind his eyes are definitely threatening to escape now that he feels Sunggyu's cold body pressing close to his. _How long had he been out here?_ doesn't fail to cross his mind as he feels his body pressed even closer.

“M-Myungsoo—“ Sunggyu hiccups, “I’m s-so glad that you’re o-okay. We’re so worried about you. W-we’ve been l-looking for you for hours b-but we couldn’t find y-you.” Sunggyu once again chokes on his hiccup. “I’m so so w-worried. What if some-- something happens to you? What if you, you hurt yourself? What if you got into an a-accident? I can’t forgive myself if that happens. Please, Myungsoo. Don’t do this again. I’ve already lost Sunwoo. I don't know what I'd do if I had lose you too.” The doctor sobs and hiccups and sobs again into Myungsoo’s shoulder, his fingers clutching desperately onto Myungsoo's equally cold body as though he won't ever let the boy out of his arms again.

It’s only then when Myungsoo decides that he’s done being upset with the doctor. He’s done with being mad with the elder. Sunggyu is equally upset as he is at the loss of Sunwoo, and it’s unfair to put all the blame on his shoulder when he knows that it’s actually no one’s fault. Almost desperately, Myungsoo clutches back onto the back of Sunggyu’s and tautens his arms around the latter, finally returning the hug equally tight as the elder. And he cries. He finally lets those tears hanging at the corner of his eyes fall down.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I’m so sorry. So so sorry…” Myungsoo whimpers his apology, drops of tears shamelessly trickle down his face as he settles his head onto Sunggyu’s shoulder, crying and breaking in the safe arms of the elder male.

The two males just keep on sobbing loudly in the middle of the street. They couldn’t even care less about the curious eyes that are stalking around them as they pass by while Woohyun and Howon can only heave a puff of relieved air as they step closer towards them. Woohyun instantly places a hand on top of Myungsoo’s head as he ruffles his hair while Howon just pats on Myungsoo’s back. They’re just thankful that they’ve finally found him.

After another bout of loud and messy bawling, the two boys finally cease their weeping and crazy apologies and ultimately pull away from each other before they wipe their tear streaks and snots off of their faces onto their sleeves.

“A-are you okay, Myungsoo? You’re not hurt anywhere, right?” Sunggyu asks in between remnants of his fading hiccups. Woohyun would’ve laughed at the funny sound Sunggyu made if not because he’s a considerate man, so he just resorts to a small snort, which only earns him a strong nudge at his waist and a downright glare from Howon.

Myungsoo just bobs his head into a nod as his feeble fist rubs on his red eyes. _Cute._

“I’m fine… Only my ankle hurts, just slightly.” He answers when he thinks his voice is better and won’t betray him. Howon immediately crouches down and pulls Myungsoo’s long pants up to check on his ankles.

“Not too bad, probably just a sprained ankle on his left leg.” He comments once he’s done examining for other trace of injuries.

“That’s good then. Anyway, Myungsoo, you owe us an explanation, boy. What were you thinking running away from the hospital?” Woohyun’s goofy expression suddenly turns stern as he faces the shrinking boy. Myungsoo only bites his lips.

“Woohyun! You’re scaring my Myungsoo! Stop that!” Sunggyu hisses and push Woohyun away before he pulls his hand up and fix some stray strands of hair from Myungsoo’s forehead, gently.

“My Gyu pushed me away.” Woohyun sulks, pouting while Howon just rolls his eyes at him.

“Myungsoo, what are you doing here? Why were you asking for money from people?” Sunggyu then asks with a quiet non-accusing tone, to which Myungsoo licks his bottom lips nervously, his eyes evading that of Sunggyu’s.

“Myungsoo?” The elder calls again when he receives no answer.

“I need the money—“ He hesitates for a second before he continues, “I want to get into the amusement park. But I don’t have my money. I left my wallet in my bag, in the hospital.” He looks down, sad.

“Why do you want to go to the park so badly tonight? Is there something you—“ Sunggyu halts his words when he suddenly catches a flicker of light, blinking some memory-triggering words far behind Myungsoo’s head.

_Ferris Wheel Now Open For Ride Again!_

And the memory just flashes through his head.

 

_“We’re very sorry for the inconvenience, sir. But the Ferris Wheel ride is closed for maintenance. We hope we can have your understanding in this matter.” A male cladded in a proper red and blue uniform announced apologetically as he politely bowed to the four of them. Sunwoo’s smile dropped a little as he pouted, disappointed._

_“When?” He mumbled and it perplexed the worker as he barely caught the sound of his question amidst the noisy surrounding. “I’m sorry?”_

_“When will this ride open again, uncle?” He asked once again when he deemed the worker was probably distracted and didn’t hear his question._

_“Probably in another week. I hope you will come back here again by then and have a fun family ride.” He answered with a smile after he had crouched down to level their eyes. Sunwoo just pouted again but still nodded his head in understanding. Myungsoo who was standing by his side quickly nudged Sunwoo’s arm._

_“Don’t worry. We’ll come back here again after your surgery! Right, Gyu hyung? Woohyun hyung?” Myungsoo reassured with a wide grin as he turned to the two elders with at an expectant look. Seeing how hopeful and sparkling Sunwoo and Myungsoo’s eyes were, Woohyun couldn’t help but smile lopsidedly and nodded his head._

_“Y-yeah. We will.” He answered. Sunggyu just grinned widely before he leaned for a whisper— “It will be your money next time~” He heartily sang song in a whisper and chuckled at Woohyun’s pale face. Sunwoo’s crestfallen face then immediately brightened when he heard the promise._

_“Promise?” He lifted his pinky finger only for Myungsoo to hook his around._

_“It’s a promise! It’s Woohyun appa’s money anyway.” Myungsoo giggled before he stuck a tongue at the architect and quickly pulled Sunwoo for a run when Woohyun had bulged his eyes out, threatening to chase the giggling boys around._

_Sunggyu just shook his head amused at their antics. “It’s only at these times do they call him appa. Cheeky brats—“ He mused “but cute.”_

 

Sunggyu swallows the lump in his throat before he glances at Woohyun’s way with a pair of glistening eyes. Sunggyu knows Woohyun has already seen the same signboard when he sees his husband’s eyes wavering into a sad look, probably even feeling a rush of guilt since they failed to fulfill their promise. _Had they not wait for the surgery…_ Sunggyu doesn’t want to finish his thought. He knows it would only bring pain to his already wounded heart.

“What’s wrong with you three? Why are you guys suddenly too quiet?” Howon probes with a confused frown, clueless.

“Let’s go in before it closes down.” Sunggyu suggests with a faint smile, one hand holding Myungsoo’s while another one clasping tightly around Woohyun’s fingers. Woohyun is not sure if Sunggyu is looking for some strength from him from the strong interlocked hands, or is he giving them to him. But he still returns the grip as tightly as Sunggyu does anyway. While Howon just blankly follows from the side.

 

“Oh, it’s you guys!” The guy from that day brightly greets them as soon as it’s their turn to ride the Ferris wheel. They just return his bright greet with a polite smile and a nod.

“You really came back! Where’s the small boy? I’m sure he’s really eager to ride this the other day.” He asks while his eyes peek behind them to see if Sunwoo is hiding somewhere there.

“He’s… not here…” Sunggyu replies with a sad smile but the other male couldn’t quite understand the look on their faces.

“Oh, he must be quite disappointed then.” The male says with a pout and Myungsoo couldn’t help the twitch at the corner of his lips when he hears the accusing voice of the other.

“He’s gone, okay?! He can’t ride because he’s already gone!” he shrieks, gaining them some attention from the passersby. Sunggyu instantly pulls Myungsoo back into his arm when he sees him fuming, rubbing his sides as he presses his head into his chest.

Startled, the worker blinks his eyes blankly before all the blood drains out of his face when he finally gets what the young boy had meant.

“It’s fine. We’ll just get in the car.” Sunggyu bitterly smiles as he pulls Myungsoo with him. Woohyun on the other hand just glares a little at the useless worker before he feels a tap on his shoulder.

“Hey, I’ll just wait for you guys down here. I’m not so good with height.” At normal days, Woohyun would’ve teased and mocked Howon for his acrophobia, but this is not a normal day for any of them. So he just nods his head before he follows them into the passenger’s car.

Just as soon, the door closes and the small box finally moves in round slowly. They stay quiet for awhile, just enjoying the night view with heavy hearts, thinking how fun it would be if Sunwoo were there too. It isn’t until they are at the top of the wheel when Sunggyu finally decides to break the heavy silence.

“You know…” He begins. “I never get to know why Sunwoo’s so insistent about riding this ride…” He says, his voice sounding bitter.

“I… I asked him that night when we got back to the hospital…” Myungsoo responds a moment later, Woohyun and Sunggyu just tentatively listening as he speaks. “He told me that it’s his dream. He read from that favorite book of his. It tells about a tale of how a few strangers magically becomes a tight-bonded family. They met at a theme park, initially hating each other’s guts but ended up getting closer as they talk and laugh in this Ferris Wheel. And it had been his dream ever since.”

Sunggyu and Woohyun just chuckle softly at the hidden cute story behind Sunwoo’s dream of riding Ferris Wheel. They were expecting something more extravagant or dramatic than this, but Sunwoo always manages to surprise them with his simple yet adorable thinking.

“That just sounds impossible coming from him.” Woohyun joins in while Sunggyu just chuckles some more. “Sunwoo is such a complicated boy to decipher, but his dream is just so cute… so adorable and cute…” Myungsoo laughs as well.

“Hehe, I know. He’s really a difficult boy to crack.” He agrees. “Yeah, he’s difficult but he’s still a child after all.”

They laugh some more before they hear a small whimper escapes in between their laughter. Both Sunggyu and Woohyun then glance at Myungsoo and tears immediately take form in the corner of their eyes as well when they see the youngest male breaking down.

“I miss him.” Myungsoo confesses, his shoulder trembling a little as he tries to hold back his tears and sobs. Sunggyu quickly wraps his arms around Myungsoo’s figure before he pulls the boy to lean on his.

“I know and I miss Sunwoo too.” He adds, tears still rolling down his face even when he refuses to let them out. Woohyun could only watch quietly from across their seat, silently letting out the tears that had been threatening to escape ever since he found out about the news that evening.

“I miss him so bad, hyung. Why did he leave me? Why did he leave us? Why can’t he wait for the surgery? Why does he have to go first? He didn’t even say goodbye to us. He didn’t even get to fulfill this dream of his—“ His mellow voice changes into hiccups as he keeps going on with his cries. Sunggyu just squeezes Myungsoo’s body in his arms as he drops a kiss on top of his head, stroking his head as he does so.

“I don’t know, Myungsoo. I really don’t know. But one thing is for sure; Sunwoo probably refuses to say his goodbye to us, maybe—maybe because he’s scared of leaving us behind…”

“But I can’t help but think how he’d felt at his last moment, hyung. Was he in pain? Was he sad? Was he crying? I wouldn’t know because I’m not there with him. He passed away alone, without anyone by his side. And I didn’t even get to tell him that I love him…”

“I don’t know if he’s in pain or if he’s crying then, Myungsoo. But don’t you remember the look on his face when we found him in the room? He was smiling… He looks so peaceful with that smile of his. That must’ve meant something, right? It have to be something positive too, right, Myung?”

Myungsoo could only nod his head when he remembers that serene look on Sunwoo’s face. He has to agree on that. Sunwoo did look peaceful back then and he knows it could only mean something good.

“Well, I guess, we’ve somehow helped Sunwoo fulfilled his dream too now, no?” Woohyun suddenly blurts out, smiling his dimpled smile despite the streaks of tears tracing down his cheeks. They just nod his head, agreeing.

Even if he’s gone, even if he’s not there with them anymore, they know Sunwoo will always remain in their hearts, in their memories because Sunwoo will always be a part of their life. Even if his physic isn’t with them anymore, Sunwoo will forever be there with them, in their hearts.

The passenger’s car slowly comes to a stop before they finally step outside, their eyes bright red, evidence of having just cried. The previous worker immediately approaches them and bow several times, apologizing for his crude remarks awhile ago. Myungsoo just pouts his lips annoyed while Woohyun throws him some hateful glares. Not wanting to aggravate things further, Sunggyu just smiles it off and tells the worker to forget it.

“Let’s head home now. Myungsoo, do you want to sleep at my house?” Sunggyu asks as they walk back to where Howon is, holding hands together with limping Myungsoo at the centre in between the doctor and the architect. Myungsoo shyly nods his head. He doesn’t want to be left alone in the orphanage, not when his whole room had smelled and scream Sunwoo to him. Woohyun whines when Myungsoo agreed.

“Nooooo! Why do you have to agree? Now I can’t spend my lovely night with my Gyu! And here I thought we could finally make love and produce some cute babies together.” He pouts childishly. Sunggyu just blushes slightly before he shakes his head at Woohyun’s antics. Myungsoo on the other hand just sticks his tongue out at him.

It’s then when Sunggyu is suddenly reminded of something he has been keeping a secret.

“Oh, by the way, Myungsoo. I have a secret for you.”

“A secret?”

“Yes, a secret. Not even Woohyun or Howon know about it.”

“Really?” He widens his eyes. “What kind of secret?” Now he had sparkles in his eyes. Finally.

“Yep. I’ll tell you tomorrow. Now let’s go to Howon. He looks like a frozen rock there.”

 

“Yah, Howon.” Sunggyu says and pokes his frozen cheek while Myungsoo pokes his ribs. The pokes startle the man as he shivers himself out of his daze, scanning all three of them briefly.

“H-hey. Oh shit, you guys look like zombie. Have you guys been crying?" Howon says with knitted brows, then looks over Woohyun. "What, Woohyun, you too?”

“Oh shit you too, Hoya. You look like a freaking Anna frozen to stone while shitting herself.” Said male spits, probably offended or more like embarrassed actually at being found out for sobbing his heart out.

“That’s quite an insult you got there, jerk. I’m not Anna!” Howon says with a soft punch to his shoulder blade. Sunggyu snorts while Myungso ends up cackling at that. Woohyun just huffs out a short laugh and shakes his head.

“I can’t believe he’s angry about being Anna more than the fact that I just downright dissed his concerned face as shitting.” He comments and maybe, he takes quite some pleasure when he sees Howon's speechless look as soon as he realises the same thing.

“I think Howon hyung might froze his brain too.”

"Yah, you little brat!"

 

 

 


	5. The hidden secret

Four months.

It’s been four months now and Kim Sunggyu still doesn’t believe how he’d managed to survive up till this point. He doesn’t know and doesn’t understand how, but somehow and someway, by an odd chance that he honestly is unsure where it had even come from, it’s already been four months since he lost his first ever patient, his sweet little boy and yeah, Sunggyu is doing fine.

Well, as fine as he can be, to be honest.

It isn’t to say that he’s perfectly fine now and is finally moving on with his life, but he’s not as bad as he first thought he would be, at that time when he was watching Sunwoo’s ash riding the breeze of the sea. He’s not great yet, but he’s there. And he’ll be fine soon. Woohyun, Howon and Dongwoo had always been there with him— Dongwoo will always be waiting at his house ready with his fresh home-cooked meal, Howon is always at his side every step of the way whenever he has his little moments of breaking down at the hospital and Woohyun, although far away across the ocean, always calls him in the strangest hours, either to soothe Sunggyu’s sorrow away or to mourn of their lost himself. And that’s fine. It shows that Sunwoo matters just as much to Woohyun as he is to Sunggyu. He’s more than fine for that.

 

Now, if only Myungsoo will stop avoiding him, then Sunggyu thinks he will probably be as fine as he can get.

Sunggyu knew he’d promised the young boy a secret, had promised to reveal it as soon as he could, but work still calls for him despite all the mourning he still had left to do, and he had so little time to even spare for himself. He couldn’t seem to find a even a little bit more time to spare for the secret he’s preparing for Myungsoo.

He feels so much like a jerk, a bad friend, a useless family but being a doctor means sacrifices, and these sacrifices sometimes feels so unfair because it is costing him so, _so_ much. But he’s a doctor now and it’s a cost he’s willing to pay to achieve what he’s wanted to do ever since he’d lost his younger brother many, many years ago.

So as the promise of a secret was delayed for a day, then another day, then weeks, Myungsoo seemed to take the delay wrongly and he began refusing to see Sunggyu anymore. The elder male had tried to reach out to Myungsoo a month after Sunwoo’s funeral, the secret perched in his briefcase, but the carer in his orphanage told him that Myungsoo was out in a full day outing with his friends. Sunggyu nodded and told her that he would come by again soon.

And ‘ _soon’_ became later, so much later because there was just so much work to do, and the next time Sunggyu went to see him a week or so after, he was again told that Myungsoo was out, extra classes apparently a requirement until exam season was over. From thereon, Sunggyu went every week to seek for the young boy, but always, always, he was sent home with disappointment, growing restless over the fact that Myungsoo seemed to be avoiding him for some reason.

Because Kim Myungsoo had never ever refused to see him before. He’d been busy before, busy with his studies, with Sunwoo, with musical classes but he’d always find time for the elder. When Sunggyu was too busy to come by, Myungsoo would seek him out even if he would have to use Sunwoo’s hospital admission as another lame excuse to see him. So Sunggyu knows when he’s being avoided albeit finding out a little too late now because it’s been four months now.

Four months of not seeing and talking to his little boy and _dear lord,_ saying that he just simply missed Myungsoo would’ve won him the biggest award of understatement ever because he more than _just_ miss him. He’s actually developing withdrawal symptoms now—restless, anxious, dread, palpitating– because _what if he’d lost Myungsoo too?_

Maybe he’s not losing him the way he’d lost Sunwoo, but it’s a loss all the same because it almost feels like Myungsoo doesn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. And it’s equally scary and equally painful to think so.

He’d told both Howon and Woohyun about it, told them that Myungsoo seemed to be avoiding them for a reason, but all he gained from their conversations was heartaches. Because Myungsoo doesn’t seem to do the same to the others. It’s only Sunggyu he’s avoiding actively and _damn_ , it hurts a little too much and just as much.

So he decided to try again.

 

He has finally gotten himself a three days break from work and he plans to use all his time to make this right, whatever it is that has gone wrong in the first place. So Sunggyu goes to the orphanage again, on a weekday, standing just outside the gate and wait for the younger to come home from school. It’s a little around twenty-two minutes of waiting when Sunggyu finally catches sight of the young boy turning the corner just ahead of him—eyes downcast, face pale and figure a little too thin since the last time he’d seen the boy. Four months ago. _God._

“Myungsoo!” Sunggyu calls loudly, voice cracking a little from overuse, or maybe from the nervous lilt he seems to be growing now that he’s finally looking into those deep, dark orbs. The call startles the younger, or maybe he’s not expecting to see Sunggyu there at this time of the day, or he just doesn’t think that he’ll ever have to see the elder again after all the rejections he’s done, but his eyes widen and he stops walking at the sight of Sunggyu, barely meters away.

“Hyung,” he all but hears the whisper and it sounds so broken. Why does he sound so broken? Is it Sunwoo? Is it him? Does he hate Sunggyu now? Does he not want to see him anymore? It hurts to think that the answers may be a yes, but he needs to do this, need to tell him this and then, Myungsoo can reject him all he wants and Sunggyu will respect his decision nonetheless.

“Myungsoo, Myungie, can we talk?” Sunggyu starts when it seems like the younger isn’t going to say or do anything. The question seems to bring all sorts of things from nothing to something because Myungsoo’s face hardens at the question and it’s the first time he’s seen so much anger from the younger and it’s directed towards him.

“No,” is the answer he receives, “I’m busy.” He continues after a brief while, being polite despite all the tension he seems to gather in his smaller frame.

“Myungsoo, please,” Sunggyu cries out, stepping closer to reach out, only to feel a harsh stab to his heart when Myungsoo takes another back in response.

“Hyung, I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to see you. Can’t you understand that from all the refusals I’ve given you?” God, Myungsoo’s words are so harsh yet they aren’t even wrong. He does understand how much he’s unwanted now but he wants to try. He’s willing to try again if it means Myungsoo will listen to him.

“I know. I get it now, but please, can we just talk for a while? I want to tell you something and I’ll disappear afterwards if you still want me to.”

“No. I don’t want to hear anything from you, hyung.”

“Please, Myungsoo. I just need to tell you—”

“Tell me what, hyung? That you’ve always wanted to take Sunwoo away from me, from us? That it’s been your plan all along to adopt him and take him away? That you’ve never even talked to us before deciding that you’re going to steal him away?”

Myungsoo takes a long, deep breath and releases it harshly before he actually continues, doesn’t even let a second up for Sunggyu to digest, to interrupt.

“I really don’t want to know, hyung. Sunwoo is gone anyway. Whatever adoption you’ve done for him, he’s still not going to be here. He’s still dead. And I’m going to fight for his adoption right once I’m legal enough to do so. I’m not letting you have him even if he’s gone, hyung. Never.”

Sunggyu has to frown now, doesn’t know what to think out of those, whatever those words had meant. His tongue was strangely tied for a while as he tries to digest all these words that seem to hurt his head, his heart even worse.

“No, wait, Myungsoo.” Sunggyu holds up a hand while the other tries to massage his throbbing head. He’s suddenly so dizzy, so painful. “What, what are you talking about?” The elder finally, properly looks at the other.

“I saw it, hyung,” Myungsoo scoffs, _actually_ scoffs at him. “I was helping out in the administration office when I saw the paper works.” He answers anyway. His face still hardens, a scowl slowly taking place.

“What—“

“You’re adopting Sunwoo as your brother, right?” Myungsoo lets out what he’s been angry about yet it still takes him longer than a minute to actually respond to that, to let his words sink in.

“No, wait, yes, but it’s not like that, Myungsoo, I wasn’t trying to—“

“Don’t lie, hyung. I saw the papers. I’ve read them. It’s official now, isn’t it?” Myungsoo bites his lips, he always does that when he’s distressed. And Sunggyu doesn’t want him to be distressed over this. He’s supposed to be happy about it, supposed to jump with joy, not scowling at it.

“No, Myungsoo, would you please just listen to—“

“I don’t want to hear anything from you, hyung. So please, just save your breaths and leave me alone.” Myungsoo almost begs then, already taking a step to go inside the orphanage, to just leave everything at that. But no, he’s not going to let that happen when there are so much things being misunderstood, whether its from his or Sunggyu’s side. _Just no._

“Oh, for Fuck’s sake, would you just please listen to me first, Kim Myungsoo?!” Sunggyu yells, actually raises his voice at the other as he grips unto Myungsoo’s arm firmly.

“Wha—“

“If you could’ve just listened to me first, I would’ve—No, seriously, fuck this. Fine, I wasn’t going to lie to you anyway. I’ll just tell you everything now.” Sunggyu lets go the arm. He was too frustrated now, he isn’t sure why but he is, and he’s going to let them all out now. It’s seriously now or never for the both of them.

“Yes. The answer is yes. I did adopt Sunwoo as my brother. I’d wanted to do so even before he passed away. But Myungsoo, it wasn’t only him whom I’m adopting.” He explains, at least he tries to but Myungsoo— Myungsoo just stares. He even frowns now because he doesn’t understand; don’t seem to get what Sunggyu is trying to tell him.

“I’m adopting the both of you! You— Kim Myungsoo and Kim Sunwoo, both!” Sunggyu actually growls, too upset because it isn’t his intention to hurt the younger for wanting to do so. It must have been a mistake, doing this. It must have been but it doesn’t feel that way at all, never _feels_ that way. It still feels right to him but if Myungsoo doesn’t want it, he will still revoke all the papers anyway.

“It was never my intention to separate both of you even if Sunwoo survived the surgery, Myungsoo. I was intending to take both of you with me. To be a family. You, Sunwoo, Woohyun and me, a whole family of four. I’m sorry for wanting this, sorry if it’s not what you want, Myungsoo. But believe me, it’s never my intention to hurt you like this.” Sunggyu says and takes another long breath before he continues, a tear finally rolling down his cheek.

“I have no right to your life, Myungsoo, but I really want to take you with me. I thought you wouldn’t mind being in a family with us but this is your life we’re talking about. I’ll revoke the adoption right as soon as possible if you want me to.” Sunggyu waits for a response when he’s done letting out– a word, maybe a different look, but when he is not receiving either, Sunggyu lets out a heavy sigh, chest tightening painfully before he reaches a hand and pulls out the papers from his briefcase— their supposed _secret._

“This is—this was the secret I was talking about before, Myungie. I guess, it wasn’t so much of good news for you as far as I imagined it would be. I’m sorry about that.” Sunggyu hands the papers back, push them into Myungsoo’s trembling hands as he takes a step back. “Take these papers and shred them, do whatever. Let out your anger if you need to. But, please, don’t avoid me anymore. Even if these papers don’t connect us, I still want you as my family. I still want to talk to you, take care of you because I love both of you, Myungsoo. I love both of you all the same. A lot and always.” He says as he looks fondly at the other.

He sees how the younger’s eyes trail to every sentence across the sheet of papers, reading them, analysing them. But Sunggyu doesn’t want to wait for a response now. He doesn’t want to see what the younger would do with those papers. He may have told him to shred them to pieces but it doesn’t mean he wants to see it done with his own pair of eyes. So quietly, he turns on his feet, wants to leave, maybe run back and cries himself to sleep. Or maybe call Woohyun and tell him how badly he had fucked up again. But it hasn’t even been past three steps when he hears a broken voice calling for him.

“H-hyung,” Myungsoo says and there’s a sobbing lilt to his cracked voice then. And sure enough, Sunggyu sees the tears running down the younger’s face as he turns back and look. He has to frown at that because he doesn’t understand. _Time and time_ again he doesn’t understand because Myungsoo was just angry moments ago so why is he crying now? What wrong things did he say again this time that it makes the younger cry? How much further did Sunggyu has to fuck up again before he can actually, finally make the younger smile?

“Hyung,” Myungsoo calls again and Sunggyu just really _really_ wants to swoop the said boy into his arms, to careen him out of his tears, but it isn’t his place to do so—not anymore.

But he doesn’t have to, because it’s the younger that takes the first step now. He’s already taking few rushed steps before flinging himself into Sunggyu’s hold, clinging unto the elder’s shirt desperately, and the papers in his fist crumpling along with it.

“I thought you were leaving me behind.” He hears the younger sobs and Sunggyu’s eyebrows knit tightly at the words.

“I thought you’re only taking Sunwoo with you and you don’t want me. I thought I was going to be left alone.”

“Wha—why would you even think that?”

“I didn’t see any papers with my name, hyung. I only saw Sunwoo’s papers.”

“I, of course you didn’t, you idiot! Sunwoo’s papers were still being finalised because of the funeral stuffs while yours were with my brother. I asked him to finalise things with the higher authority for me.” Sunggyu explains with a frown, his arms already wrapping around the other as he rubs soothing circles on his back.

“Why would you even think that I’m going to leave you behind and take Sunwoo away from you? I would never do that. To any of you. Ever.” He says firmly. He wants the younger to know, wants him to understand that he loves them both all the same.

“I’m, I don’t know, hyung. I don’t know. I just thought that you don’t love me as—“

“Nope, don’t finish that sentence, Myungsoo.” Sunggyu scowls, tightens his arms around said boy as he sighs heavily.

“I can’t believe this. You’re actually pretty stupid for being a smart boy, you know that? I can’t believe you even thought of it this way! I thought I was being obvious enough about spoiling both of you? Equally?” Sunggyu shakes his head and pouts a little.

He’s barely able to hide the smile on his pouty lips when he hears Myungsoo snorts and feels him shake his head.

“Okay, fine. Maybe I dote a little more on Sunwoo but don’t we both? I mean, he _was_ a little, you know, sick and I—“ Sunggyu wants to reason out be he doesn’t really have to when he hears a soft chuckle coming from the boy in his arms.

“Hyung, I get it. I get it now. So don’t say anymore. I was being an idiot. I, I should’ve talked to you about it but I was scared and avoided you instead. I’m an idiot.” Myungsoo says, admits so and Sunggyu finally lets himself laugh a little as he ruffles the younger’s hair.

“Yeah, a smart idiot actually.” The elder replies and the other agree.

“Yep, just like my brother.” Myungsoo responds and Sunggyu can already hear the smile in those words now.

“Who? You mean Sunwoo?” And the younger giggles, giggles a bit more as he softly jabs a finger at Sunggyu’s waist.

“No, you.” He says and Sunggyu just has to pinch the other’s waist back as a response.

“Yah, you brat!”

 

And then, they just laugh a little more, snots wiped down on their shirts and sleeves, tears finally dried off before eventually, they pull away although their hands never leaving the other’s.

 _They’re okay now_ , Sunggyu thinks. They’re more than okay because Myungsoo is looking at him, smiling with a red nose and swollen, puffy eyes, looking just as happy as he did. Because he’s just so, _very_ glad that they’re family now. Because Myungsoo wants in, wants to be in this mismatched family just as much as they do. And he’s happy and they’re happy and it’s all that matters.

 

“Great, are you ready to see your new room then?” Sunggyu says with a raise of his brows.

“Already?!” The younger actually shrieks and Sunggyu eagerly nods at that, smiles stupidly when he sees the way Myungsoo’s eyes beam brightly.

“It’s Captain America-themed by the way.” He adds anyway, knowing full well what his reaction will be.

“Ewwwww, no! I’m a grown man!” _Gotcha._

“Yeah, yeah, you’re nothing but an overgrown baby, Myungie.”

“Hey!” Myungsoo pouts at that, but smile nonetheless. “Fine, fine, but couldn’t it be Ironman-themed at least?”

“Nope, Ironman can’t be in my house because he’s the biggest enemy of _my man_ , Captain Rogers.”

“I thought Woohyun-hyung was your man?” Myungsoo blinks, a cheeky smile on his lips.

“Well, he was, until he decided that buying an Ironman shirt is okay.” Sunggyu grins at that when he sees the younger grimace.

“Wow, your relationship is so cheap.” He remarks albeit playfully. And the elder can’t help but innocently smile at the other because he knows how repulsed Myungsoo will be when he hears the next words.

“It’s all about the sex, Myungie baby.”

“Ewwwww, hyung, I’m still too young for this!” Sunggyu immediately barks out a loud laugh then.

“Nah, you’ll be sixteen soon. It’s actually about time we have _the talk_.”

“No. Not ever. Not from you, hyung. Never.”

“Tough luck, Myung. Your bedroom doesn’t have any lock. You can never run away from me.”

And maybe Sunggyu only says that out of jokes, never really meant for it to hold any meaning that screams serious, but when he hears the answer to it, he still feels it anyway. Still feel the swell of happiness that’s been growing in his chest. Because they’re finally complete now, the four of them— a _family_.

 

“Don’t worry, hyung. I’m not planning to.”

 

 


End file.
